ViNz'S

My happy stomach. My first food review.

2012-01-26T01:17:00.005+08:00

So last week I heard there is this new ramen shop in my area...

From the advertisement in the newspaper, it seems to be a direct branch from its Japan headquarters.

Wanted to give it a try since it seems authentic to me.

And from what a relative tell me,

It is really worth trying.

You know what,

My uncle wasn't lying.

The ramen is as good as it is advertised.

So last night my family and I decided to give this heavily-promoted cuisine a try.

We went there for supper at about 9:30pm.

And when we got there, guess what,

The place was still super packed.

My dad had to park his car a few blocks away.

The restaurant itself welcomed me with a sense of originality that a ramen parlour should have, in my opinion.

There were really a lot of people working there, like a couple dozens or so.

About half of them were in the kitchen.

It was full of noise.

The voices were really loud.

My dad was kinda disturbed by it, but the manager told us that this was done to keep the spirits of the workers up.

So that they work fast, and passionately.

And believe me, that worked out so well.

My order, the Buta Ramen, or pork ramen, came shortly in about 5 minutes after I admired the wooden characteristics of the place. Wooden tables and chairs, wooden wall, wooden seasonings and tissue boxes.

The ramen itself looked rather normal,

The portion was also small (to me, at least. HAHA).

There was a generous portion of rich broth made from chicken bones, pork bones, and fish bones.

On top of the dish were sprinkled sesame, chopped spring onion and a Japanese-ramen egg cut into half (I don't know what the egg is called, but damn, it sure was tasty).

I personally like it that they provide us with a full egg. From what I know about ramen parlours, normally they would only give us half of the egg.

And the egg yolk is half-cooked, just what I would expect from a good ramen.

So, looks-wise, not very excellent.

Now, this is where "don't judge a book by its cover" idiom applies perfectly.

Before we started, the manager told us that even though the place is noisy, customers keep coming back. With that, he politely asked us to proceed with our dish.

When trying a new ramen, I believe that the soup should always be the start.

So I went to scoop me some broth.

And wow, let me tell you, I had nothing else to say.

Just wow.

That soup was so rich with taste.

And it was not salty kind of taste.

It was a hearty, soupy kind of taste.

In short, after my first slurp,

I was elated.

And the rest, they were just as good.

The noodles were okay though. Just like how any good ramen should be.

The eggs were great.

The pork meat was... too little! Hahaha.

Still,

It was worth the price.

A bowl costs about Rp50,000, about SGD 8.

Quite cheap if you ask me, since a bowl of ramen this standard in Singapore normally would have me forking out 20 bucks or so.

So, taste-wise: 9.5/10

Conclusion:

I would come back for seconds, that is for sure.

Soon, very soon.

Haha.

And I don't mind some company.

An epiphany.

2012-01-21T22:30:00.002+08:00

Reunion with my elementary school friends!

Had a lot of fun laughing at almost everything, until my throat gave way and felt uneasy. Haha.

It would be a lot, A LOT better if more of us were there though.

But it's been like, I don't know, 6 years+ since I last saw any of them?

Wow, time sure changed a lot of stuff.

Except for one person who looks almost exactly like he did in elementary school. XD

Speaking of which,

I realised (yes, I'm such a noob) that we are the pioneer batch of the school.

Wow!

Close to 20 years of life and then it snapped on me.

Maybe from now on, I should display more pride in my elementary school days.

Haha.

One of the most intriguing stuff I figured out today,

(other than me and Phil still being the shortest guys in the batch)

is that everybody who came today are going to enter their third semester in university and yet I haven't even started thinking what to pursue, let alone which university to apply to.

The best way they could "irritate" me, is by asking about university stuff. Haha. Got teased a lot because of that today.

Coupled with what my dad scolded me about my horrendous sleeping pattern this morning,

Punches a sense of realisation right at my face.

My life is in a mess.

I've been wasting my own time.

I did this on purpose though, kind of.

Because after my A Levels were over,

All I can think about is to relax, relax, AND relax.

That's it.

Nothing more.

But now,

It dawned on me that RELAXING =/= WASTING TIME.

I could have done something worthwhile.

Like pick up a particular skill,

Gain a particular knowledge,

Researching about university stuff (*IMPORTANT*),

Acquire a part-time job to fill up my day,

Exercise a muscle or two,

Or, like today,

Catch up with friends back from the days and beyond!

NOT:

Sitting my butt all day long in front of my laptop, doing nothing other than Facebook, Tumblr, and watching movies or TV shows,

(Well, I guess blogging is an exception)

Lazying around on the bed all day long,

And have a schedule which incorporates a cycle of Eat and Sleep.

Seriously, ~~something~~THINGS have to change.

Very significantly.

No more go-with-the-flow kind of attitude to approach life.

It has to be on schedule.

A flexible schedule.

A kind of discipline has to be introduced. Not pushed aside.

Truth to be told,

I am kinda afraid that my brain will get obsolete over time if this problem drags on.

Haha.

Well, all in all,

A great day to remember about.

And to all my elementary school friends,

It was awesome seeing you all again.

And the next time a reunion is planned,

I hope to see more of us gathering together, sitting on one set of tables, laughing and reminiscing about the good, silly old days as the pioneer batch who graduated from Santo Leo II.

Now,

Time to put the order back into my life.

A super duper late post.

2012-01-12T21:10:00.003+08:00

"G'day mate!"

I have a feeling this is gonna be quite a redundant post...

Haha.

Well, a Happy ~~belated~~ New Year 2012!

Remembering about a year ago, I had only one resolution for 2011;
Survive it.

And I am proud to say that I've done well!
For the first time I have fulfilled my resolution. xD

And as usual,
I still miss Christmas.
I will always do.
Throughout the year.
Nothing beats the feeling.
Goodbye Christmas.
I'll see you soon.
In no time. :)

Oh yes.
I just came back from a trip to Australia a week ago.
My goodness,
It's an awesome place!

Did all kinds of stuff for the first time...

*Sliding down a steep sand dune on a wooden board at 40km/h face first,

*Feeding a wild dolphin (after which I wanted a dolphin as a pet xD),

*Touching a koala and a (large) sheep,

*Visited a Hard Rock Cafe,

*Feeding a kangaroo,

*Playing around with gravity, in the forms of upside down roller coasters and a free-fall drop from 100m,

*Watching an unstoppable firework for about 10-minutes straight,

*Looking at the Batman's sweet ride, the Tumbler, and fist-bumping him xD,

*Watching Sydney Opera House in amazement. Like really, all I've seen of it is from postcards and SimCity,

*Eating the most delicious snack I've ever tasted in my whole life to date; Churros,

*Seriously contemplating to study there, if not for the HUGE cost of living.

Overall,
The trip was,
An eye-opener,
Good food, good people,
Awesome.

Planned to include some of the photos from my trip initially but in here, Internet connection is such a bitch. =='

So...

"See you mate!"

P.S. If I can pick up an Australian accent, I probably won't stop talking. Haha.

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-26T00:05:00.002+08:00

Suddenly I lost the mood to write anything at all anymore here.

It's a lot better if I just bottle up everything.
No say, no problem.
Haha.

Who knew?

2011-12-12T12:44:00.002+08:00

Never did I know in this house I call Home,
In this group of people I call Family,

I can feel so much under pressure, and without my inner peace.

Why? What changed?

The last.

2011-12-08T02:59:00.003+08:00

Here I am, sitting on the very place I have been using for these past two years.
Without realising it, this is my last night in this room.
In this unit.
In this building.
In this place.

It wasn't always beds of roses in this place.
But it has brought countless memories.
Although some of them definitely left deeper impressions.

Oh well.
I guess I'm gonna enjoy my last time sleeping on that bed behind me.
And remember the smell of this room, the closest thing I can call "home" in here,
Especially when I'm the only occupant of this room xD.

And to everything, and everyone I've known here,
See you soon, I guess.
Whether or not I'll be coming back here again, I cannot say for sure.

Sometimes, it's better to leave the future to unfold by itself, isn't it?
Makes all the excitement and surprises kick in.
Although I totally detest the changes that come along with it.

'Cause an end is a new beginning.

2011-12-06T18:27:00.003+08:00

Maybe Grad Night yesterday marks the true end of my NJC life.
These memories with the people I met,

10SH20, the guys especially,
NJPA,
OG 15,
And everyone else,

Are all I can carry with me to the future.

Anyway,
Inspired by what someone did in her blog,

I should create a list of top 20 moments in NJC.

So here goes.

Top 20 NJC Moments (not in order of importance):

1). Meeting Huang Jian Yi, the first person I got to know in this school. Both of us sweating and looking for our OG, where we actually ended up in the same OG, same CCA, and same ExCo.

2). Eating Cai Fan with the guys from OG 15, and talking crap.

3). First day of 10SH20, Marc was super GL already.

4). NJ095 moments with Marc, Li Shi, Hui Ying, Jia Yi. Creating model trees and recorded it in a video in Jia Yi's house after shopping for the materials in Art Friend. Staying up late to do WR. Rehearsing OP in school.

5). Basketball training with NJ Basketball. Though I quit halfway but I kinda miss the trainings with them.

6). NJPA 2010 June Camp. Hand over from the previous ExCo to my batch. Still remember the emotional aura that I felt.

7). Rock Night 2010. When the whole PA assembled at the end to clear the stage off the equipments and cables in less than 2 seconds.

8). NJPA 2011 June Camp. Handing over to the next batch. The sense of 'small and cosy family' is still intact within me.

9). Rock Night: Amplified 2011. Chaired the organising committee and performed as a guest band from NJPA. A thrilling experience I must say. Haha.

10). DoTA and LAN sessions after every exams with the guys from my class.

11). HTHT with Yx and Ms. Tey until late night around Bishan area.

12). Class chalet 2011. The night cycling is a new experience to me. Tiring but super fun. Haha.

13). Doing events as a PA member, both as a junior and senior.

14). Training the PA juniors!

15). Last PE with the class. Playing basketball during PE for the first time. Haha.

16). Saying bye to Uncle Moody Cash every day when leaving the school.

17). Sleeping in lectures! Then Sean and I always woke up complaining about the air-conditioner which seldom works. Hahaha!

18). Actually, just teasing Marc with the rest of the guys in the class.

19). Queuing for Cai Fan every day then occupied the same seat in the canteen. Sitting on one table with the guys from the class and throwing our bags on another table. Classic.

20). NJC Grad Night 2011!

There are definitely more than I can remember. But these are the ones that popped into my head first. Haha.

Oh well, another ending is here. A new beginning is somewhere close for sure!

It's over.

2011-12-01T01:26:00.003+08:00

"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings." - Optimus Prime.

And yes,
It is all over.

Won or lost, it all does not matter.
I regained my freedom.

Maybe I should savour the sweet taste of liberty, breathe in the aroma of salvation, and embrace the fact that I am finally free.

Or maybe I should be concerned about a lot of other things.
Results next year,
Packing stuff to move out,
What to do on my free time,
Prom,
And one other thing.

'Cause an end simply means a new beginning.

2011-11-26T01:03:00.002+08:00

A Level is down to two more MCQ papers.

Whatever has passed, has passed.
It isn't within my control anymore.

Gotta focus on the rest. But the break is very tempting to take. ==

Anyway,
Christmas decorations are already up and about along the stretch of Orchard Road.
That's early. O_O
But still, they bring out the Christmas mood already.

I love Christmas mood.
Spending the time savouring the aura of Christmas along Orchard with the right person makes it all even better, if not best.

But for now,
It's time to go back to exam mode.
It's the final lap of the final lap. Haha.

Blitz of electrical impulses; Fragments of thoughts.

2011-11-15T00:05:00.006+08:00

Contemplated to write something on Tumblr but I guess I'll stick with the good ol' Blogger after all. This place holds a huge archives of memories, literally.

So,
It's the second week of the bloodiest academic battle that I'm going through.
And it's torturing me inside out.
Even after today, which everyone was happy about (apparently),
I discovered that I still am not allowed to be happy.

No matter what,
There's just something that screws up.

That's the annoying thing.
But that's also where I learnt.

Yeah, something will always screw up.
It's whether I can handle the things that come.
Meeting Yi Chao for a drink a while and talking it out with him made me realise that.

Why should I worry, why should I pressurise myself?
I mean, how many times have I told myself again and again that I just have to give it my all?
That only I can define "doing my best" best?
And that nothing, or no one, else shall affect my own perspective?

A Level results are important, that's definite.
But it ain't the most important factor.

All roads lead to Rome.
And through the same way shall I head towards my own dreams.

-

2011-11-04T23:33:00.002+08:00

If anyone wonders what that title shows,

I'm about to describe why.

I'm a being who attracts negativity. I think.

After being screwed by a subject I call my favourite (currently), i.e. Chemistry,

My brain suddenly drew a connection.

If I'm to be placed in the Periodic Table,

I'm probably somewhere in Period 1, in between Group V to VII.

Yeah I'm probably Nitrogen, Oxygen, or Fluorine.

The elements in the Table who have the highest affinity for negativity aka electrons.

That's what I thought.

Let's see again,

Okay, I can be positive at times.

But I can't be Group I metals,

'Cause I don't lose negativity and be positive all the time.

Could I be Carbon?

Technically, and biologically, yes I am.

Human beings are carbon-made organisms.

But in this case, no.

Carbon exists as neutral compounds naturally.

They don't get positive, yet they aren't negativity-magnet wherever they go.

So am I a Hydrogen?

It has equal affinity to attract negativity and be positive.

It is small.

It is explosive.

It is not special. It's common.

In the Table, it's placed away from every other elements.

Yeah

It has to be.

I've deduced it.

That's where I probably will be categorised in.

I can be positive, although I think nowadays I have such strong affinity with negative aura.

I'm small, literally.

My emotions don't really own a remote control.

I'm a mediocre being.

And it's probably best if I am put into isolation, away from everybody else.

Haha, nobody talks in such a nerd way about their own selves.

This is why.

Weird.

My writing mode surfaced at the time I least want it to appear.

I shouldn't be using my brain for this.

I should be working my ass off for my fucked-up subjects.

Or at the very least,

I should be brushing up my own smashed-into-little-pieces crappy self-confidence.

Nothing works.

Nothing helps to salvage the remnants of my optimism.

Now, anybody still doesn't understand what the title shows?

I was trying to say Negative.

2011-11-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

And the single-digit countdown began a few days ago.

Yep, I can feel that this "final lap" has its hairs brushing on my neck.

I have to do this, for my own dreams.

But then again,

I wonder what those dreams of mine could be actually like...

It is time.

2011-10-15T17:53:00.003+08:00

So yesterday was officially the last official school day for me

Last school day. Ever.

And I realise, after this period,

It's the last time I'm gonna wear a uniform, the last time I'm gonna call myself a student.

Time sure ~~flies~~ warps.

In less than a blink of an eye, I've been studying in NJ for two years.

It's been a period full of bloodbath,

Full of tears,

Full of disappointments,

And also full of joy,

Full of laughter,

Full of memories.

In this last lap,

A truly last one, as a student,

It's now up to me to make the change.

To make the leap of faith.

It's now time to prove the statistics wrong,

To beat all the odds,

And to go against the current.

All these while, there were only rehearsals.

The actual performance is nearing.

It's now my turn, to outdo and outperform myself.

For the pride of God, my family, my friends, and of course, you.

Isolation.

2011-10-08T23:54:00.001+08:00

I'm not being ungrateful.
I'm not being childish.
I'm not being foolish.
I'm not being remorseful.

I just want some time alone.
All by myself.
In isolation, distant from the outside world.
Within my self-constructed barricades.

Nor am I intentionally keeping a distance between myself and the people around me.

But after what happened today. I wanted to re-play the feelings.

Basically I went home for my much-needed sleep after an overnight study.
And when I woke up, my roommate was playing with the next-room neighbours.
And I had the whole room for myself, all by myself for hours.

It's truly been a while since I last enjoyed this room for myself.
And I've gotta admit, if anything, it felt relieving.

I wished for more.

So probably this is why I'm unconsciously pulling myself apart.

From people,
From the world,
From my own mind,
From my own feelings.

And what remains, shall just be me, and this void of laziness inside of me,
Slowly sipping the essence of desolation.

Living a life of irony.

2011-09-27T00:22:00.002+08:00

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"

Some say "My life is bullshit."

Some complain "My life is a joke."

I say, my life is an irony.

Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.

I say I love my parents, my family, my God.

But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,

But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,

But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,

But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,

Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,

But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.

I really, really want to understand you,

Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,

I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".

And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.

Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,

Or because I just am not worthy,

Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.

Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.

I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.

Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...

2011-09-25T13:15:00.003+08:00

This may seem contradictory,

But I can actually sense my brain becoming more obsolete day by day.

It's like, how can I notice my brain's deterioration if it's not functioning as well as it was?

I notice less,

I care less,

I think less.

All I seem to care about now is forcing my own freedom to claim the rights over my other priorities now.

In other words,

I always do what I want to do,

Not what I have to do.

I don't even put things on my schedule any more,

Neither I keep track of my expenses any longer.

A disastrous week is impending, just ahead.

My prelim results are definitely gonna give me a mental bloodbath.

Hopefully I'm prepared by now,

To accept my own failures, shortcomings, inabilities,

To let go of all the distractions, even if it means putting down my own freedom,

And to harness the control back from my own life.

As what everyone has been telling me,

It's the last lap.

Hope.

2011-09-15T17:50:00.004+08:00

'And the Hope means to never lose the Light, even when engulfed by darkness." - Qinglongmon (Digimon World 2)

Yeah, right.

Easier to say than done.
Especially when your efforts are always for naught.
Especially when everytime you try to rise up against the odds, life slams you back flat-faced on the ground.
Especially when the humiliation is becoming understandable, but unbearable.

Heck.
Life goes on.

If I can surf through all of it before, I can do it again.
But it's still important not to lose Hope.

2011-09-10T01:35:00.002+08:00

It feels a little distinct, blogging from a place and a laptop other than what I can call my own.

But well, it's not wrong to be different once in a while, is it? xD

Although of course, I'll probably choose familiarity more than this, mostly.

Oh, to that person who previously tried to post something weird on my blog, YOU CAN FORGET IT :D.

2011-09-04T01:23:00.000+08:00

For a while I thought I've learnt how to live by my head, rather than my heart.
Or at least, learnt how to use them together.

No.

After all this time, I can't use my head in most situations.
Which simply makes me want to hate myself even more.

Still, backing down is not an option.
My dreams are still waiting in front of me.

Come on, mind, you need to wake up.
Stop hibernating already.
Please.

Equilibrium

2011-08-30T01:49:00.003+08:00

Such a naturally-occurring phenomenon.

Yet such a nearly-impossible feat to achieve.

2011-08-27T10:43:00.004+08:00

Never knew humans can be such hypocritical creatures.

Whatever happened to "Do unto others what you want others to do unto you"?

I did nothing wrong, and I had no plans on being intimidated by all your acts.

But this is just getting annoying.

And please,

If you've got the guts, and the balls,

Man the fuck up!

Don't act nice and all in front of me, but aim your weapon at my back.

As for me,

I've got no complains.

But you guys are just starting to get on my nerves because it's starting to affect my school work by cutting off my Internet connection!

Anyway, this is for you guys:

G-R-O-W UP!

"Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned. "

- Eminem

Onward.

2011-08-21T09:07:00.000+08:00

Dad,
You may never know how much you mean to me.

You're:
My inspiration.
My main role-model.
My source of motivation.
My pillar of strength.
My teacher in life.
And definitely more than just the breadwinner of our family.

Although you can get hot-tempered at times,
Although I get annoyed for your constant worry about me sometimes,
I always knew that you just want the best for me.

I'm sorry.
And the only thing I can repay you with,
Is by continuing the legacy to bring the pride to our family.
And of course, I'll achieve that by achieving my own dream.

The only thing that I truly want from you and Mum in life now,
Is for you to look at me, and bro of course,
And mutter to each other: "We have succeeded."

So watch me.
I'll make you say that.
I'll never give up.

Thanks Dad. This kind of burst of mental strength is just what I need during these shitty times.

Hopelessness, faith.

2011-08-18T19:24:00.003+08:00

Two very distinct concepts,

Mixed around in perfect balance in my own mind.

Like the Yin and Yang.

Somehow I wanna let go of the hopelessness.

But it always comes back to haunt me.

Just when it's nearing my Prelims.

It's like I have super low efficiency.

I significantly put a lot more effort into GP comprehension paper now.

But what do I get?

Shitty kind of grade. SHIT.

20/50 for consecutive 3 papers.

I understand if I did not improve.

But I've dropped and been stagnant at this kind of grade since after Common Test!

I swear when I got back the latest one today I felt like spouting some profanities at myself.

But then again,

Faith is there to remind me that it is not yet the end.

It's better to hold on to that flickering small glimpse of hope, than to let go completely and be sucked into the sea of darkness completely without trying.

We can't savour the sweet taste of success, if we never fail.

And I'm tired of being helpless when it comes to fighting for what I want.

Now I'm gonna make sure those moments of devastation, those tears that have fallen, to never be replayed again.

So that in the next round of finishing line, I'll be able to keep my head up high, triumphant.

With this gigantic challenge, bowing down before me.

When things metamorph.

2011-08-14T01:51:00.003+08:00

"It can only be right when it feels right."

Yes, it was true.

There was no point rushing.

If things are meant to be, they will happen, whether you like it or not.

If things are not, well maybe they are meant to fall apart instead.

It does feel a little bit early for me.

But if it feels right, it will feel right.

And even if after spending my time pondering about it,

I stepped forward, leaving all my doubts behind.

Sure, sometimes it all boils down to one insane move.

But what's after that is what determines whether all that move was worth it.

Whether the prize was worth the fight.

And truly, it never feels more beautiful in my life.

I guess this is the point when other things all became insignificant.

While some things change for the better, some others get downgraded as the lesser beings.

I won't let the screwed up new Internet connection, the unfair treatment I received at my place sometimes, and all the other bad stuff that happen right here in this place affect me adversely anymore.

'Cause I know now that there are bigger, more important things that I have to care about.

'Cause I know now that these jealousy and immature acts of 'backstabbing' are not worth my attention. [not that they were before].

'Cause I know now that no matter how they treat me now, I can still go to bed with a smile on my face, thanking God that I finally found you in my life. xD

Oh by the way,

To those who have just recently visited here,

HI :D

Yeah I know who you are, hahaha xD

2011-08-07T01:40:00.002+08:00

Suddenly stumbled upon this bittersweet short movie again.

Still touched by the emotional flux that it brings. Haha.

Reminds me a couple, but nevertheless important things:

Still got a HECK lot to learn.

And, never take things for granted.

"Deterioration begins the moment you start taking stuff for granted."

You know?

2011-08-05T00:22:00.002+08:00

You know, there are just days that you feel damn dumb.

Just 'cause you can't say what you truly feel.

Just 'cause you are AFRAID.

Damn it man now I feel like banging my head to the wall.

I mean,

You know,

How bad can someone be WITH WORDS?

Those are even supposed to be literal.

No metaphor, onomatopoeia, hyperbole, or any other literary techniques required.

Although, maybe it'd be better that way.

Yet, it choked the hell out of me.

For the first time, I felt like something heavy was really holding me back.

Maybe,

Maybe I'm just afraid.

Afraid I'm not good enough.

Good enough to meet that standard.

I mean, what the hell do I have?

I'm just a weirdo,

A newbie,

Somebody who doesn't even know how to anything in this kind of situation,

A simpleton with minuscule brain for this kind of thing.

All I can ever give now is words.

Words, maybe words of feelings.

But what are words?

What can they do?

What can they prove, when this is all what I am?

When all I ever am is someone who doesn't know the simple act of adoration?

Maybe a lot of them were right.

No, they are right.

I'm the best in two things;

Thinking too much,

And doing nothing.

Yes, this may be too early.

Too soon for anything.

But I can't deny one thing.

That I didn't plan for any of these to spring from inside of me.

This innate, tingling sense is nothing I've ever expected.

Bigger than I've thought,

Stronger than I've ever felt.

See? I'm doing it again.

All I can do is just WRITE IT ALL HERE.

Gahhh..

2011-08-03T23:59:00.002+08:00

Where is my spark?

Where is my fuel?

Why am I slowing down?

Why does the gravity feel heavier and heavier?

No, those weren't the questions.

Have I lost them all?

Or have I got blinded and so I can't see them all anymore?

Those are the questions.

Seems like all I have with me all the time now is my blind confidence.

So maybe I've gone blind after all.

defying gravity

2011-07-26T09:50:00.000+08:00

Finally.
I can say that today, I've successfully proved to myself that I am fully capable of rising against the pressure of my laziness.

Right after school, I showered with cold water to keep myself awake.
Yes it did, for a while. The effects wore off after a GP paper.

Went to take a nap, in which I overshot again.
But I made use of the time to finish up a lot of tasks.
With that, and probably the effect of bubble tea,
I managed to stay awake and fresh until now.
Even after I thought I was done with revising for the test tomorrow,
I was still a lot more awake than I thought I could be.
So I spent more time with my books.

Sounds crazy, even for me.
The "me" a year ago, even a month ago, wouldn't even think of doing this.
He would probably just abandon everything and go to bed, feeling completely oblivious to the impending perils ahead.

Today, my friends,
I've stood up against the devil inside of me,
With the help of Holy Spirit that descended upon me (thank you Lord).

I know I'd probably burn out sooner or later.
But we shall consider it again. Sometime later.

For now, all I know is that I've gotta give it my all, and refuel my own engine constantly.
The rest, I shall leave it to the Holy Trinity.
In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Amen.
:)

Escape velocity.

2011-07-23T18:16:00.004+08:00

It just kinda occurred to me seconds ago that laziness and motivation can be related to Physics.

*yes, finally I see a concrete and interesting connection between Physics and myself. Haha.*

Let's take a case study of space shuttle.

This is currently the only example I can think of, after reading about NASA's Atlantis recently. Heh.

I'm the space shuttle.

Laziness is like a gravity that pulls me down.

The single, bigger rocket strapped on me is my passion.

The two other smaller rockets are like my motivation.

The outer space is my dream.

In order for me to be able to successfully go against the gravity,

I've got to have sufficient force upwards, and attain an escape velocity large enough so that I won't get pulled back down to earth.

So I'd have to spark my own motivation, and give me the lift for the take-off towards my dream.

After a while, both types of rockets will be removed from me.

And I'd have to move on my own.

This is where my motivation and my passion have been successfully brought me in front of my dream.

The rest is up to me.

Because my motivation and passion have been manifested inside of me.

But in case, my passion and my motivation are not strong enough,

And should they latch off too early because they run out faster than they should be,

The laziness would pull me down again,

To where I was before,

And I'd be destroyed, turned into ashes of nothingness.

So this is why I can do one of these things.

EITHER I make sure I attain enough passion and motivation before I take off,

OR I can always take off with roughly sufficient amount of both of them, and keep refueling it along the way.

Oh, and I have to remember, that if I ever run out of them before I can even reach my dream,

There's no second chance.

I guess I should probably take off now.

Cautiousness and calculations are never really my kind of stuff.

Impulse, and think-on-the-spot attitude make me.

So my choice would be the OR option. XD

Perseverance issue.

2011-07-20T08:09:00.001+08:00

I have this issue of persevering in me.
Not in general. Ok, although my general perseverance is not very solid either.

Bur this issue is about my attitude towards studying.
Particularly subjects that I don't enjoy doing.

I'm starting to enjoy General Paper, by the way.
It feels satisfying to be able to think through issues.
In a way, it's brain-stimulating.

I'm starting to lose interest in Physics though.
I'm beginning to think that they are no fun.
It's not even my favourite to begin with.

Chemistry is the only one I truly savour for now.
And today, I have to sacrifice not doing the homework because apparently there are more "urgent" work for my other subjects.
This is the only thing which I can focus the most.

There're reasons why I chose to put Math and Economics last.
I used to be neutral towards H2 Math.
Now that I'm already ending the syllabus soon,
I realise how much I am sick of it.
It feels like the logic of all the calculations are now way beyond what I can comprehend.
It wasn't like this back then few years ago.
And the more I try to push forward, the more my own mind resists thinking.
And the more my mind sees no purpose in me studying this subject.

Economics, well,
It's at the point where everything doesn't make sense now.
After the Macroeconomic policies and stuff, I get no shit of what is International Trade all about.
Sure, I understand what the notes and the lecturer are saying.
But how the hell is it so bloody distinct from the questions in the tutorial.
I mean, I don't know how I should put it.
It just, doesn't make sense.
According to my brain, at least.

Now I SERIOUSLY miss Biology.

I just finished my homework for Math and Economics.
And I feel nauseous at what I can accomplish.
It's so shitty I can't describe it.

And I don't wanna go for extra tuition.
I've made an ultimatum to myself.
If I can't triumph over the stress here, I should not even be thinking of going into medical school.

But if I don't take up extra tuition,
I may reach a point where I would stop doing everything.
It's barely a few weeks after I started my serious attitude towards my studies.
And now I feel like I'm being tortured mentally.

Lesson learnt:
Always choose to do subjects that you enjoy!!!!
At least maybe if I had chosen Biology over Physics,
I would have two science stuff to have fun with.

This test of perseverance is just the beginning.
And I'm already at the point where I wanna slam my fists to the wall AGAIN.

How the hell did I choose Physics over Biology when I attained a worse grade for Physics in O Level?
How the heck was I so sure that H2 Biology is something I wouldn't like?
How the hell did my mind think that I WOULD ENJOY PHYSICS OVER BIO?

Not to mention that the condition of my own physiques is going down.

I can only survive with longer hours of sleep,
I can't exert myself physically as I used to be,
Basically I'm not as energetic as I was 2-3 years ago.

I seriously feel that I'm behind bars.

With that,

2011-07-16T01:07:00.004+08:00

We've come to an end.

An official end.

An end to Rock Night 2011: Amplified.

An end to my period in NJPA.

And a beginning to my next road.

I guess it feels worth it.

The humiliation, the pain, the sweat, the tears, the time.

Even though I can see that the audience may not enjoy the concert fully.

But I put up an all right opening performance.

May be a screwed singing coming from me.

But I didn't regret it.

No regrets for my first and last (probably) performance.

At least everything went smoothly.

No glitch, no technical problems,

No lights problems, no sound problems.

Many thanks to everyone who made all this possible.

Every single one of the crew.

Each has a contribution.

And to you the audience.

If I can recognise who you are,

You who were sitting in the audience seats,

Yes, I thank every one of you sincerely,

Who is a significant part of the whole event.

Without you guys this event would not even have proceeded in the first place.

And have I said that my term in NJPA has officially ended?

It's now back to full academic focus.

With that,

I presented my last event,

Rock Night 2011: Amplified,

And I ended my term,

Awesomely.

Anberlin - Feel Good Drag

2011-07-14T22:43:00.001+08:00

"Feel Good Drag"

"I'm here for you" she said
And we can stay for awhile,
My boyfriend's gone,
We can just pretend.
Lips that need no introduction
Now who's the greater sin,
Your drab eyes seem to invite
(tell me darling) Where do we begin.

Was this over before
Before it ever began
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devils got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands

Everyone in this town
Is seeing somebody else
Everybody's tired of someone
Our eyes wander for help
Prayers that need no answer now
I'm tired of who I am
You were my greatest mistake
I fell in love with your sin
Your littlest sin

Was this over before
Before it ever began
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devils got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands

Failure is your disease
You want my outline drawn
You are my greatest failure
Discourse your saving song

Was this over before
Before it ever began
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devils got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands

Was this over before
Before it ever began
Your kiss
Your calls
Your crutch
Like the devils got your hand
This was over before
Before it ever began
Your lips
Your lies
Your lust
Like the devils in your hands

Lyrics by: AZLyrics

No sacrifice, no victory.

2011-07-14T20:59:00.003+08:00

So, I've got back all my Common Test result.

GP: D. No comments. Quite an expected grade if I must say.

Physics: U. My biggest shock. Totally didn't expect to fail, not this hard.

Chemistry: C. My 2nd biggest shock. But I guess my hard work really pays off.

Mathematics: D. Another grateful moment. I've still gotta push harder to get higher!

Economics: E. Expected a little bit better but I guess I've gotta accept this.

And,

Tomorrow is the day.

My last event.

My first and last performance on stage.

I hope,

Tomorrow everything pays off.

Tomorrow everything runs smoothly.

Tomorrow my sweat and time won't be wasted.

Tomorrow the humiliation was worth it.

Tomorrow, I'll end my duty, officially, with glory.

Then, it's all back to studying.

2011-07-10T23:42:00.002+08:00

I'm another year older today,

And I've passed through another period of my life.

Didn't really start as good.

Was in the middle of a GP essay when the clock struck 00:00 hahaha

But as the day progressed,

It actually got better and better.

The morning kicked off with a church session.

Nothing better than to start my morning in His place.

Then had lunch at Tampopo ramen in Ngee Ann City with my brother. Fantastic.

I've always thought that their ramen is very good. Haha.

And bought some book regarding some medical school stuff in US.

Hopefully I could use a pointer or two from there.

Then went home to rest a while, and continued replying Facebook wall posts.

Before I headed out again to meet some of my guys schoolmates for a dinner.

Got a "free" dinner at Fish&Co. Very filling but the feeling was certainly more than pleasant.

What with a good meal and a good company of friends. Haha.

And then proceeded to play pool for a while.

I'm never really a fan of birthday celebration.

Sure, I don't mind a small gathering, or wishes from people around.

But it just feels weird to see people singing birthday songs for me (been there done that).

Though it's also sweet, in a way.

Haha.

Anyway,

Sometimes,

It just takes once in a long while to realise that there are people in this world who value you more than just some random person in their lives.

And I've gotta admit.

I'm super thankful for that.

Then here I am.

Sitting in front of my laptop,

Typing this post,

Reflecting my day,

Being grateful for what He's done for me,

Being happy to have such magnificent people around me,

Counting down to the end of my own small anniversary.

Hopefully the next day onwards will be just as better.

'Cause I've gotta be more fuelled with motivation!

Sick of it.

2011-07-07T21:36:00.004+08:00

I've about had enough.

Enough of having my considerations fall into deaf ears.

Enough of having my perspectives being thrown away like trash.

Enough of having to give it my all, only to be ridiculed.

Enough of having to care.

Enough of having to fight my responsibilities.

If that's what you guys want, I shall gladly sit back, relax, and enjoy the show.

Just don't blame me for anything that goes wrong.

If everything's all right, then good for you.

But if you all freaking put the blame on me if things mess up,

If you all accuse me of not doing anything.

I'll freaking go explode.

Seriously.

All I want is just to give this event my best.

This last event of mine.

I just wanna leave with an amazing token of coins.

But apparently I've to leave and receive with what they decide to give me.

The Transition

2011-07-05T08:46:00.000+08:00

So before I go to sleep today,
Before I embark on a new change towards my attitude in terms of studying,
I'm reminded of a certain quote that I've stumbled upon some time ago.

"In the end, everybody just become someone they swore they'd never be."

I don't know if this really applies to anyone.
But it did, to me.

Eventually, I guess I've to really become someone I promised I wouldn't be.
A mugger.
AKA someone who spends almost all his/her time studying.

Sure, I'd try balancing out my own life.
But I don't think that with my current state, I can afford to waste time.

Somehow, I can't wait for my CTs results to come out.
I wanna know where I stand now.
And I wanna know what it takes for me to reach what I dream.
How much work I have to churn out in order to reach that kind of state.

So I hope,
Let this transition be a smooth one.
It won't be swift. I'm certain of it.
But I know for sure, that I'll do it in time.
And God will provide.

Broken body.

2011-07-02T23:12:00.003+08:00

No, this ain't some random emo post. Haha.

Another day of awesome outing.

I know this won't last but I guess it would be good to refresh myself from the studies.

So today was an outing with my Project Work group; NJ095

Marc suggested an outing after the results were released 'cause he was the only one in the group who got an A and felt bad about it. He wanted to treat us all to a movie or something but in the end of course we didn't want it. That was a bit too much I guess. Haha.

So we just went out, now, after the results were released months ago.

Headed to Kallang Leisure Park to ice-skate.

I thought I still retained my experience in ice skating.

Turned out that I was as good as a newbie.

Haha I had to re-learn everything on my own again, with some tips from Li Shi and Jia Yi.

But the 2 hour was totally worth my S$18.50, in my opinion.

*looking at another hole burnt in my wallet T_T*

Then we all wanted to watch Transformers 3, to no avail.

The cinemas were full everywhere.

So we just found a place to eat something and talk.

I suggested Bakerzin and I think I made the right decision. Haha.

Had my ever-favourite Cookies and Cream Cheesecake. *heavenly*

Then we all went separate ways to head home.

Another memory imprinted, I believe :)

I only stayed home for a little while, and rushed off again to meet my usual secondary school cliques for a basketball session.

Except for one guy, who totally pissed me off by saying that playing basketball with us was "a waste of time".

If you had something else to do, please say.

We would understand, no matter what.

Even if you wanna prioritise studying over hanging out with us.

But you don't have to call your close friends a waste of your time.

If you ever treated us as your "brothers" in the first place. Heh.

Bloody hell.

Anyway,

You know I had this theory.

My mind always maintained a view that I could still play as well as when I was in my prime (Sec 3-4 times).

Earlier this year, my stamina apparently couldn't keep up with my mindset.

And I vomited a few times and even fainted once during CCA trainings. Haha.

Now that I quit basketball CCA already, I think my mind didn't change its view at all.

Today, I believe I overused and over-exerted my legs.

In my right leg, my quadriceps muscles were aching after one game.

In my left leg, my Jumper's Knee resurfaced again.

I thought it was gone after a few treatments at a TCM practitioner 2 years ago.

It actually just went dormant. =='

Now I have to wear my knee guard and limp for a while.

Apparently, my body can't do what my mind thinks it still can do.

That's my hypothesis. Haha.

And my body seems to be disintegrating.

Slowly but surely.

Oh man.

Basketball is now officially not my cup of tea anymore. Haha!

But NO! I wont change my blogskin.

Basketball will still be a stuff that I enjoy. A lot.

Every time I manage to lay a ball in,

Every shot that I slush into the net,

Will remind me of the good old basketball days in FTPSS.

There was the time when I didn't care about anything.

When all I ever aimed for was to be a proper basketball player.

When I spent my whole time improving in it.

When I was still so free!

*definitely*

Haha.

By the way,

While hanging out with these group of people,

I realised we have grown up in our own, different ways.

And I know that we too, will have to go on with our own lives,

Through separate and different ways.

But one thing I'm still sure, for now.

The bond that we shared still has not changed.

(Except for one guy, I guess. ==')

Oh that's true.

The bond that we have will change.

And I'm not talking for this case only. For every other bond that I shared with people.

The bond will change as long as one party decides to break it apart.

Oh yes, that is so so so true.

Now I wonder what my future holds.

Excited, yet anxious at the same time.

Always with the irony.

Rejuvenate. Revive. Regain. Reborn.

2011-07-01T23:45:00.007+08:00

So let me start with the updates of what's been happening in my life (if there is anyone interested to know, that is.), which contradicts the initial purpose of what this blog is mainly intended to be ie. a place for me to reflect.

After CTs, school has been quite relaxing. Lectures the whole day. And always ended with LAN session with classmates after school. Sinful.

Except today. Haha.

Woke up super super late 'cause I forgot to set my alarm the night before I went to slumber land. And this is the second time I woke up at 11am during normal school day. =.='

Wanted to rush to school but it would end 30 minutes later.

Yes, today's lectures ended at 11:30am.

Since it's pointless to come to school, there came the second stuff to deal with;

The thing to redeem my tardiness; MC or parental letter.

Parental letter is a bit harder to get in my case, and less believable, since I had no other excuse as to why I couldn't wake up on time.

Apparently "forgetting to set my alarm" didn't sound good enough to my ears ==

So I was betting to get myself an MC.

Went to a clinic outside my place. After a brief session of smoking through the clinical session with the *cough* lie of me having a migraine in the morning, I got myself an MC.

At the expense of S$29.90 =.='

Totally burnt a hole in my wallet.

Next, I proceeded to meet my usual NJ cliques/classmates for LAN session *again?!*

Purchased a packet of 5-hour, at S$10.

Super hardcore, haha. 5 hours of DoTA and L4D2.

I can say that I've improved a little in DoTA.

Though I'm most probably nowhere near a level of a regular player.

Wanted to stay with them for dinner, but I've got dinner with my fellow PA ExCo.

Felt quite bad to abandon them, since we originally wanted to hang out all night long.

In the end, Sean and Marc can't make it. And we cancelled the plan.

Nevertheless, it was always a good session of "laughing fits" with these group of ExCo.

And it was a dinner at JustAcia at Dhoby Xchange, a place of memories for us.

I personally like reminiscing about the 'good old times'.

It just makes me grateful about the good things that have happened to me.

And somehow it makes the bad stuff look minuscule in comparison.

Anyway,

After that I stayed a bit longer with Jie Xiang, without the knowledge of the rest. Haha.

To talk a little while more, and to do......something else.

[Before some people think sick or something, no it was nothing sick. Just that, I'm not prepared to reveal it yet in case it would put me in a bad situation. Haha.]

Probably it's the first time that I've done that properly.

It was not a pleasant experience.

Okay, pleasant and 'high' for a while. But after that, no.

NOT at all....

I don't think I'm gonna be doing it again for a while. For a long while! Heh.

But what he told me has got me thinking.

We have only a handful of time left to prepare academically.

It's less than 10 weeks before Prelim exam.

And before we realise it'd be like "Oh shit, another week is gone!"

Or "Oh crap, next week is Prelim!"

And after all, it's like about 16 weeks to A Level.

If we don't start soon, it would be too late.

Studying during week days can only earn you so much.

Listening in class can only help so much.

'Cause it's like, you'll sleep for about 20% of the time spent in school (haha!)

And will daydream for another 10%.

And that leaves you with 70% efficiency to be fully used in school.

And with the current level of studying and academic performance I'm in (oh hell no, CTs results =='), it'd take more than 10 weeks to prepare.

How could O Level feel so far away when I was still in July 2009?

How could the burden be so much heavier now?

How could the impending danger seem so much nearer when it actually starts later than my O Level did?

No matter what,

I'll have to use these remaining 2-3 days to rejuvenate my own mind.

To revive my studying mode again, this time for a longer time.

To regain my motivation to face the Goliath of my life. It's the final lap now.

And of course, to pray to be reborn from the ashes of failure that has been dragging me down all along, all the time.

Ora et labora!

"I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me" - Philippians 4:13"

2011-06-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

With that, my Common Tests are over!

Sure, maybe my results won't be what I expect.

Maybe my effort didn't pay off now.

But I'm certain that I've given it my all.

The rest, so they say, just leave it to the divine intervention.

For now, I shall enjoy my break!

Before Hell comes back...

Untitled. Tanpa Judul.

2011-06-24T18:01:00.002+08:00

Probably my first, or first few posts in Indonesian. I'm feeling like writing in Indonesian now.

Hari Jumat, 2 hari sebelum ujian tengah tahun. Rasanya ku belum selesai belajar, tetapi sudah mulai sirna hasrat untuk menyelesaikan semua tugas-tugas ini.

Kayaknya semua yang ku perbuat ini sia-sia. Belajar ga belajar, toh sama saja.

Nilai ku tetap jelek, aku juga ga ngerti sama sekali kadang-kadang.

Memang harusnya aku ga boleh nyerah, ga boleh patah semangat.

Tapi gimana mau optimis kalo cahaya harapan di ujung jalan aja ga kelihatan?

Optimis pakai apa? Ga ada yang bisa ku pegang untuk selamat dari rasa putus asa.

Dengan perasaan dan semangat yang ombang-ambing ini, sudah pasti nya gw ga bisa selesaikan belajar sesuai jadwal. Pasti ada aja yang beda.

Entah karena ada soal-soal latihan yang ga ada jawaban/solusi nya, atau karena gw ga bisa kerjain satu soal pun selama ber jam-jam.

Memang sepatutnya sebagai orang katolik kalau gw berpegang penuh pada Tuhan, tetapi kadang sulit dan berat rasanya kalau iman dan keteguhan batin gw di tes seperti ini terus.

Mungkin ga persis sama dengan "hidup segan, mati tak mau".

Gw cuma merasa ga punya pegangan buat lanjutin jalanan hidup yang tampaknya tidak berakhir ini.

Wah, pas lagu Eminem lagi diputar di komputer gw.

Emang benar kalau kita ga boleh diam saja sementara hidup mendorong kita terus.

Harusnya gw bangkit, dan ga boleh diam dan disakiti.

Ok, udah cukup malas-malasan.

Waktunya kembali ke kenyataan dari lamunan gw yang benar-benar ga berarti.

Well, that was....kinda hard.

It ain't easy any more to put up a proper composition in the language that I grew up with.

Okay, seriously,

Time to get back to reality from my own, super pointless pondering.

Questions popping up.

2011-06-18T23:20:00.003+08:00

I'm at a point where I'm questioning everything in my life, including my life itself and its purpose.

Why was I born? What have I been doing with my life? What am I going to do for the future?

How am I gonna prepare for that? Which are the mistakes I'm doing and which are the right things?

Among the many paths laid before me, which one will I continue treading towards? What have I not done? What could have I done?

Why am I studying this hard? Is being a doctor really my dream? Do I have what it takes to be there?

Seriously, I'm so confused that I decided to get advice from the Digimon's Chosen Children's advice Tumblr blog.

I didn't put my name, of course, and this is the reply from the character who, similarly, wanted to become a doctor, and spent his whole teenage years to practically study, beside Digimon.

Call me shallow, childish, or whatever. Even I sometimes think so too myself.

This is what he replied me.

"When you’re raised in a family, like I was, where the presumed lifestyle is to breathe, east, sleep, and become a doctor… well let’s say, for the longest time I didn’t know why I wanted to be one either. It was unquestionable. But during Myotismon’s seige, my brother told me I could be anything I wanted… and that was probably the first time I’d heard of that! But because of everything I went through in the Digital World, I learned that what I wanted to do is to help people, and becoming a doctor is one of the best ways to do that. So perhaps you feel an overwhelming desire to make a difference and help people that need it. Either that or you just want to be in school for unnecessary amounts of time."
"Especially if you’re serious about joining me in the quest for medical school, you want to make it as smooth as possible and get the best grades you can. Unless you meet someone who fully supports your goals and wont distract from your schoolwork, remember your priorities are to get your career on track and then to worry about meeting someone."

Oh well, I'll figure something out, hopefully.
Right now I have to start sorting out the mess inside my own head.

It's appalling how my one head can have a few mindsets residing inside.

Stepping down.

2011-06-12T09:26:00.002+08:00

And so yesterday marked the end of my period as a member of NJPA ExCo '10/'11.

Moments before handover, suddenly memories came rushing back into my head. Though the place for handover was different, the feeling was undoubtedly all the same.

As my fellow ExCo members started to give speech, I had to fight back my tears, and I felt a mix of feelings inside of me.

I was happy that I've done my best for the job, but sad 'cause I know I won't get the same experience ever again. I was worried about my juniors for their times ahead, but I'm proud to see that they've shown their capabilities to face their own challenges. But I chose to believe in them, as all my seniors did for my batch.

The tears didn't come out yet 'cause I was not the first person to give speech. When it was my turn, I think I could hear my own shaky voice as I forcefully push back the tears behind my eyes.

And when the rest gave out theirs, I couldn't hold it in any more. Everything just flowed out of my eyes.

I won't forget all the stuff that we did together as a batch. Be it during events, camps, and even ExCo meetings. 'Cause they were all already engraved inside of me.

There is still Rock Night: Amplified as my last event, and I know these moments have spurred me to give this event my all.

Guess who's back.

2011-05-23T23:54:00.003+08:00

Aha, it seems I've not been blogging often.

I guess I found it easier to reblog on Tumblr nowadays. Haha. And there's the Digimon 30-day Challenge that I've gotta do too.

Visit and follow if you wish, though.

http://silentweapon.tumblr.com

But that's about it.

This is still the place where I can really write, I guess.

So,

my first Common Test is this coming Friday.

General Paper and Economics.

And I'm glad that somehow my spur is back.

With the target in mind,

And the schedule at hand,

The pressure of time shouldn't be too grand.

[Failed attempt at rhyming.]

2011-05-10T20:50:00.002+08:00

I've got so much that I have to do.

But I've never got enough time for it.

Or have I, really?

Or have I just failed horribly in managing my own time?

At the same time,

I've got so much that I want to do.

But all of these just don't seem to fit in my schedule.

These random sparks in my head,

These irregular blasts in my own mental furnace,

I don't know, I just don't know.

I'm drifting back to my old, isolated self.

Only this time, I've got my delusional being as the company.

Back to life.

2011-04-26T22:22:00.003+08:00

I mean, my childhood, somehow.

And my motivation too, I guess.

You know what.

I couldn't really remember what made me stumble upon Digimon stuff again.

But after that moment, I knew that I had to re-watch everything again.

I've been following until the 2nd season, and a bit of 3rd and 4th season.

And I thought it was time to catch up.

Seriously, man. Nothing ever beats the original.

It never felt so good.

It feels as if my childhood fantasy came true again.

Those moments when I was young and naive [not that I'm already grown up now, though],

Those times when all I cared about was living in my own fantasy of Digimon World.

Those memories when having my own Digimon was everything I wanted.

You could say it's a crazy obsession of mine.

And when I'm starting to restart the whole season again,

It's actually when my whole body, mind, and soul came into a greater order.

Even I myself failed to fathom why,

Somehow, immersing my reality and my own fantasy of Digimon knock the fact that my life is in such a disarray into my head.

And if I don't start re-adjusting it, I'm gonna head straight into my own doom.

And what better way than to kickstart the process with my own very best "virtual friends" ?

The effects?

My mind re-energised,

My soul rejuvenated,

My body refreshed,

And my time management skills bloom.

For now.

And I hope this will continue.

Of course, I thank God for this.

Maybe this is how He gave me a wake-up call.

Random fact: After his first debut in 1999, Wargreymon remains my favourite Digimon, despite strong competitions coming from the younger, more modern ones xD

Chuck Taylor All Star Speciality Ox

2011-04-24T19:56:00.002+08:00

And that adds to another list of the things I've lost in this place.

In fact, it's the biggest thing that I've been robbed from.

I think it's also one of the newest stuff that I have.

I don't even wear them often.

My best friends haven't even seen me wear them.

I last wore the pair on Friday.

When I went out of house around 7:50pm on Saturday,

It was still there when I grabbed my slippers.

I mean, come on, of course I saw the pair. I put all my shoes together.

And when I came back home, it was just gone.

Not there.

Disappeared without a trace.

I looked around the shoe racks,

Not there.

I searched through the kitchen in the dark, where the maid usually washes shoes,

Not there.

I ransacked my room,

Not there.

I inquired my housemates,

Nobody knows.

I asked the maid,

Nobody knows.

I wonder what the house owner will say tomorrow when I inform her about this.

2011-04-16T23:34:00.001+08:00

NAPFA today's morning.

And tomorrow, it's time to start my work.

Then comes Monday.

I want more rest please.

Just a little bit more.

I ain't a divine being.

They don't know, they can't see.

2011-04-08T20:20:00.004+08:00

Call it a sign,

Call it a wake-up call.

I hope it stays on my mind,

As my time rolls.

It could have been a group mistake,

Or a part of me did something wrong.

All I know is the smile that I fake,

Wouldn't be so hard to put up if I've known this all along.

They told me to be strong,

They told me to cheer up,

But they can't see the pain that's been building up,

Neither can they notice that I can't take this for long.

I'm just a kid, hoping to achieve something great,

Though my faith, and my dreams have often been torn.

Hopefully it's not yet too late,

To rectify what's been done.

'Cause as long as my time still runs,

I won't resign to my own fate.

I hope this tingling pain sensation will last.

So that my faith is back to flame,

And I'll make it all up,

And I'll prove them wrong.

But of course, of course Lord, I offer you the path of my life, only to You.

"Control the outcome. It's on you."

2011-04-07T21:24:00.002+08:00

"Always has been."

I was watching Never Back Down again.

A decent movie, I must say.

And this quote has been ringing in my head, apparently.

It's by the martial arts instructor in the movie.

You see, this is exactly the problem.

Why would be watching a movie,

ESPECIALLY ON A FUCKING WEEKDAY?

To tell you the truth, I've just been ignoring everything.

I've lost the spirit I had to catch up academically a while ago.

I'm just feeling tired all the time.

Exercising, giving myself some breather,

All didn't work.

Even upbeat and motivational songs that normally worked on me had no effect anymore.

It ~~feels~~ is like I'm losing my vigour.

I don't even have mood to do anything that is school-related.

Well, except maybe some PA stuff.

It's nothing related to school anyway.

So I don't really feel that burdened.

I'm supposed to study.

Everyone around me does.

Not me.

Just not me.

When am I able to understand the true meaning of that quote I mentioned earlier?

The conflicts of ideasdoubts.

2011-03-19T22:18:00.009+08:00

I was wondering about the extent of my potential.

It's like, I've been wanting to be that for I can't remember how long.

But then, if we're talking about the limit of my ability based on my DNA,

I probably can't make it.

I hail from parents who naturally excel in Physics, Mathematics, and Economics.

Maybe that's how I'm able to stay alive in those subjects even though I don't really love them.

But okay, I admit, I'm slowly developing interest in Economics.

And I probably inherit my Dad's passion in Science, not my Mom's meticulous accounting ability.

But I definitely do not get his outgoing nature and adaptability skills.

So how am I gonna make it towards my dream, when my dream itself involves the best of the best, and even those gifted with the inborn skill for it?

BUT

If I view it from a destiny point of view, where the future can bring forth anything with limitless possibilities,

I can achieve anything I want with the sheer desire for it.

With the right approaches and unending determination, I'm sure I'll get there somehow, no matter how scathed I would be.

And THIS has been what I want since my childhood days.

And I've been working to get there.

It's just a while more, and I'll be able to see whether I'll make it.

BUT

My spiritual energy has been deteriorating.

My desire has been shaken.

My faith has been questioned.

"Is this really what I want?"

"Do I really think I have what it takes?"

"How sure am I if I'm up for it?"

"How would you compete with those people better than you; A HELL LOT BETTER THAN WHAT YOU ARE!"

were among the puzzles popping up constantly on my mind.

Coupled with the genetic arguments I posted earlier which I believe is my own reality,

It just adds more complications into my already-screwed-up doubts.

BUT [the last one, I promise]

Halfway through typing this post, something just struck me inside my mind harder than a thunder striking the sky in a storm.

Human beings are capable of undergoing EVOLUTION.

I've yet to lose my grasp on that fading glimpse of hope.

Keep holding on

2011-03-14T22:12:00.005+08:00

Time somehow crawled these few days. Or is it just me?

Went to NUS Open House yesterday.
Saw my nightmare [read: the things I need to get into NUS, especially those TWO faculties.]

Hope I can work my ass off soon. Like, really soon.

So, today was the first day of Rock Night: Amplified auditions.
More external bands were here than NJ bands.
Only two of NJ bands, in fact.
All the bands were good, I guess. Even better than last year's.

First band

Second band

Hmm, I didn't get the picture for the third band of today.

Fourth band

Last band of the day

So, two more bands coming tomorrow.

Hopefully it goes well.

And the pressure is mounting on my back.

Not the pressure in academics. That's been there for a while now.

It's the pressure of making Rock Night: Amplified a success, as the person in-charge.

After all, it's my biggest event.

And my last.

Skill? Speed?

2011-03-08T22:42:00.002+08:00

In case some people are wondering, I'm referring to my blog title.

It was originally "skill, Power." in the template.
I changed it, 'cause I thought that in my case, speed>power.

Don't talk about now,
I wanted to erase the Speed part, and also the skill part.
Was on the verge of erasing, then I realised I couldn't find another name in such a short notice.
And also, I'll lose this part of what's just left behind my motivation.

P.S. I first adopted this blog title somewhere in the beginning of Sec 4 [It's really been a long time]. Back then I was oozing with confidence and optimism, about practically almost everything in life. I didn't know what Pressure meant to me anyway.

Right now, I can strongly affirm even myself that Pressure was like the Goliath in me.
Everything else, even my own motivation, cowers at the sight of it.

Seriously,
CCA stuff, academic stuff, pinning me down in my effort to grasp the "safe" level.
I'm constantly under it now.
Deteriorating A Level result in my college and constant distress from teachers about it do not help.
The worst? My own target.
Don't even talk about it.
It's not even do-able for me to reach just half of it now.

And I thought I could just do it by sheer hardwork?
What hardwork? I looked at my Math assignments and stared at it for 15 minutes. Blankly.

I don't know what to say seriously.

I wanna be faithful to my own academic stuff.
But I'm tied with other commitments in my CCA.
I hope it won't be too late if I start getting serious in July.
That's when everything else will stop.

On top of all these useless, un-motivating rants,

I can only strive, and pray so that somewhere, and somehow, I could bring out the "David" to bring the "Goliath" down.

The 'Sacred' Saturday

2011-03-06T15:13:00.002+08:00

Awesome Saturday, I must say.

But the most important thing is,

I managed to re-fuel my motivation.

Saw A Level result on Friday, and hopefully this would be enough as a challenge for me.
Planned what I would do after A's, roughly.

And back to present,
It's only the matter of what I do, and keep doing now to get there.

Re-fueled, re-motivated, ready.

Ages.

2011-02-16T21:36:00.003+08:00

Hmm feels like it's been forever since I last visited here, not to mention posted something.

The Hectic-ness Curve is still exponentially increasing.
Haha crap, anyway that's my point.

Even with one CCA left, it's like my commitments are all fully optimised.

A lot of events to tank,
A lot of juniors to teach,
A lot of parts of training manuals to piece together,
Not to mention some internal affairs going on.

As of school work, they are just never-ending.
Even as if you catch up, you'll most probably find yourself left behind again soon enough.

I shall not rant so much about school.

But, otherwise,
My life's been pretty good, I guess.
No stress, but not much motivation to work hard either.
I'm getting lazy, especially in engaging myself with physical activities.
And instead stuff myself with snacks at home, in front of my laptop.

Okay, hmm so I suppose,
'Till next time.

Whatever happened to dreams?

2011-02-03T22:11:00.004+08:00

I've heard this kind of stuff somewhere before.
That when we were all children, we had many dreams.
We did not care about anything else other than achieving what we want.
And to think that back then we had no skills at all.

As we grow up,
We acquire many life skills, go to school, make many new friends,
But sometimes, even as we mature, we begin to think of many consequences of our actions.
Although I cannot deny that this is indeed important,
Many times this can create doubts in us.
And in this case, of course, doubting our own abilities to achieve our own dreams.

To tell the truth,
Since I was young I had aspired to be one of them.
And until now, that desire still has not dampened.
In fact, I'm now even more sure of it.
But the thing is,
When people asked me what I wanna do in life [in uni] a few years ago,
I would say something like "I wanna take THAT course in uni!"
But today, while meeting my relatives during Chinese New Year, I instead replied them with something like, "Maybe I wanna try THAT course. I heard it's really hard to get into that here in Singapore though."

And it dawned on me.
How different were my two responses.
My current response sounded like I did not aspire for that anymore.
Like I never really dream to take that course in university.
No wonder one of my teachers recently told me that she could not see my passion.
While two years ago, a friend of my Dad said that he could see the passion burning in my eyes.

Was it the competitive environment here in NJ which made me think I would not make it?
Was it the pressure?
Was it the requirement for that course? No, this can't be. I knew it all along already.

My point is,
If a child in me once managed to discard everything just to play my favourite games or acquire my favourite candy,
What's holding me back in ~~wanting~~DESIRING to fulfil my life-long dream?

I must transform back to the past.
Must regain my own passion for it.
And of course, let nothing stand in my way.

By the way,
Happy Chinese New Year everyone.

Life's little pleasures.

2011-01-29T00:03:00.004+08:00

Hmm so Orientation 2, in which I am a part of, as a PA Crew, started yesterday.

Nothing much happened yesterday for us though.
'Cause the J1s had talks almost all day in the hall. We did a few here and there when the councillors were practicing Mass Dance though.

Today, I thought the bulk of the business began. And indeed it did.
Did a lot of work by myself today, especially since the I/C went missing and the other EXCO present had to attend to the lightings matters for OGLs from each houses.

The wireless mic ran out of battery during J1 disciplinary talk by the discipline mistress of the college.
Ran down from the control room to the hall to replace, in time, luckily. Got a little relief, especially when she wasn't pissed [I hope], and got an applause from the crowd. Haha.

And then 3pm, I went down with 2 others to the gym, carrying gym mixer, a box of cables, with the trolley.
Quite tough carrying the heavy mixer down two flights of stairs.
And waited till 3.30pm, then they told me they wouldn't be using the gym for mass dance anymore.
Went a little bit "What the fuck" but what to do? The 2 others went home already.
And apparently my message in asking for some crew to help carrying stuff arrived late.
So I carried all the stuff back by myself, err, for 2 storeys through stairs + 3 storeys with lift, fortunately.
Sweated a little when I played a little basketball with some schoolmates while waiting for the event, but by the time I reached control room, I got drenched in sweat-flood.
Had a good time playing ball a little bit though. Good to let steam off after so many weeks of no basketball. They were kind enough to ask me to join them after I stoned there for a while. Haha.

And then during mass dance, another change of event. Parents Seminar for J1 was supposed to start by 6pm, by suddenly they wanted everything ready by 5pm, and I was told at 4.30pm. Rushed to LT1 with the stuff and some crews, set the things ready, and guess what, nobody reached the place even when the clock struck 6pm ==

But accompanied the event I/C, who was late [he's an OGL] anyway, talking about stuff and ate a little bit of chicken rice courtesy of the event organiser [Ahhhhhh half portion of that was HEAVENLY when you haven't touched food since afternoon] while waiting for two classmates before we went to Jiayi's house to have a gathering [supposedly before CNY, but not everybody turned up anyway ==] with the class.

You know what, that concluded my day so well, if not perfectly.
=D
Got my shares of letting off steam in Wii [lost a lot though],
Got my shares of jokes,
Got my shares of laughs.

If you noticed, there will always life's little pleasures you can embrace one way or another.
It's just the matter of spotting them.

So...
Tomorrow, another fun day awaits, hopefully.
Study sessions with secondary school best mates,
And lunch with the birthday boy.
Time to catch up with some stuff,
Before the bigger stuff on Monday happens.
Oh I'm sure it's gonna be bigger.
It's whole day,
And things are happening at the fields,
And that means carrying huge speakers down a few flight of stairs,
And yes, Chinese New Year Celebration rehearsal.

Chaotic? Yes.
But I'm sure I'll get my shares of life's little pleasures who would be floating around somewhere, somehow.

Regret doesn't come early.

2011-01-19T22:00:00.002+08:00

Indeed it doesn't. It only comes a little bit too late.

To put it simply, I got my "wake up" call recently.

Way back before I was enrolled into JC, I remember a friend of my Dad who told me that since I dared to even think about going into that course, that means I'm putting myself in a warzone.
I even posted a blog post about it.

And what did I do?
All I did last year was to immerse myself in complacency and self-satisfaction.
In other words, I couldn't care less about what my result in NJ would be.
Since I already heard that bad results during school times does not mean bad results at A Level.

But I was wrong.

To go into that faculty,

I need good academic record,
I need jobshadowing experiences,
I need letters of recommendation,
I need various meaningful CIP experience.

My academic record was shitty,
I've never even heard of "jobshadowing" before,
I'm not even sure if my teachers have anything about me to be recommended to,
And almost the whole bulk of my CIP comes from only doing PA events.

The worst? I only realised all these now.
In my SH2, when I need to buck up all my academic stuff.

If only I was this consistent about my work from the beginning, it would all not be like this.
I could even have some spare time for other CIP activities or jobshadowing experiences.
Not mentioning good academic records and better chance of straight As.

But oh well,
I guess it's not yet too late.
There're truckloads of things to be done this year.

And seriously, I really need to stop procrastinating.

So, I suppose the battle is still far from over.
There's still a chance.

After all,
The pessimist says: "It's possible, but difficult."
But the optimist says: "It's difficult, but possible."

2011-01-15T00:00:00.003+08:00

Hmm, what can I say, it's been a hell of a week.

I even forgot about my blog totally. Haha.

Tell you what,
I was damn late to school today.
Overslept till 11am.

Was pondering whether I should skip school.
I could have easily buy an MC or wrote a parental letter, asked my aunt to sign it, or even forge her signature.
But I chose to go, to rush without my breakfast and my morning shower.
Even took a cab and wasted a freaking $10 trip. Luckily the driver was quite nice.
Had little trouble conversing in Chinese though. Haha.

So I arrived in about 20mins.
I went straight to LT5 when it was halfway through Chemistry lecture.
And Physics lecture was next, my personal mentor was there, so I reported to her that I was late.
She asked for me after the lecture.

Well, guess what, she was super angry.
Not like I was not expecting it, but what could I do?

Apologising was of no use,
Promising that I won't be late anymore had no effect. Of course, who would believe such claim when the one saying it was late for 4 hours?
Explaining my ponder earlier was useless as well. Why would she listen to my reason when it would all appear as an "excuse"?
Oh well, even showing up to school to face the fact that I'm late was apparently pointless.
Okay, maybe not that pointless, since I at least had less to catch up academically than I would if I had skipped.

Heck, since I never got the chance to say what I thought, and it seems to me that nobody would ever come here [or even if they do, they don't bother about what I write here] anyway, I might as well let it off.

I was thinking of going back to sleep, really, especially when I need it the most at this time of the week, ie. the end of the week.
But it was Friday, and after this day I could finally have a breather.
And I was too lazy to type a parental letter or buy an MC.
Don't even mention the amount of homework and stuff that I would miss. I had enough to handle already. I'm trying to minimise the workload.
So I rushed to school.
Planned to report as late anyway, I mean, of course I would expect a warning or something. But since my latecoming record last year was quite good anyway [2 times for the year], coming late once this year would probably be good enough reminder for me not to be late again.

But what I didn't expect was that I was scolded as if I had fun coming late and making this as a joke.
Maybe because it's how I always appear to be. I laugh my problems off almost every time.
None seems to know, even I often don't know how thick I can shell my inside from the outside.

Okay, I may have a lot to blame.
My phone alarm, which failed to ring after I snoozed. It normally works.
The maid in my place, whom I requested to wake me up if I fail to do so by 6.30am.
The GP homework, which I fail to do during the holiday, and made me stay back until 1am for a few days to finish.
Or even my personal mentor, for thinking that I was "having fun" by coming late to school.

But why must the blame be on them?
I woke up late, 'cause my phone alarm didn't ring.
My phone alarm failed on me, 'cause I snoozed it.
I needed to snooze my alarm, 'cause I was too sleepy to wake up.
I was too sleepy to wake up, 'cause I slept too late.
I slept too late, 'cause I needed to finish my overdue GP homework.
I needed to finish that, 'cause I didn't do it during holiday.

So, I think it's all on me.

Well, who bothers anyway? Haha. I'll just hope things will get back to normal, and I won't have to finish my homework so late again.
And probably I could find out what's wrong with my phone alarm, and reiterate my request to the maid.

2011-01-09T22:19:00.001+08:00

Hello.

Before I'm not able to post anything else tomorrow.

I just want you to know, this is the post I made before school starts tomorrow.

If I don't appear anymore, you know what has happened to me.
You know what to do.

So, 'till then.

Goodbye.

Haha just kidding.
But school is really re-opening tomorrow.
And I'm having this screwed-up feeling again.
'Cause of the homesickness, and the undone homework.

Damn it, seriously.

A new end is just a new beginning.

2011-01-03T23:24:00.002+08:00

Well, it's been long since I last used my laptop, and much less visited my blog.
Internet's connection is damn slow from my phone.

So, first of all,

Merry belated Christmas and Happy belated New Year!
It's a bit late, but I hope not too late!

So shall we start with new year resolutions?
Nah. I don't even fulfil my last year's resolutions.

Being optimistic? Not when I'm studying in such a hardcore place.
Being emotionally-stable? Hmm okay I can say I achieved this pretty much.

My new resolutions? Well there's only one.

Survive 2011. Literally.

For me, it's the busiest of my life, it could be the worst, but most importantly, it's the final lap.
For after all it could be what determines my future.
[If there's "future" after 2012. Haha xD]

So, I guess my holiday [if you can still call this end-of-year holiday, that is] was just the routine. Homework, mostly, and things I usually do here in Jakarta.
AKA eat, sleep, and lazying around. Okay, the last one wasn't that significant. Not with the amount of work I brought home.
Literally working my days off my homework.
And I can bet even it won't be done by the time the curriculum time starts.

Oh well, well, well.

I must say I don't wanna bother anymore.
I'll just try to survive, and well, as usual, do the best for 2011.

If it's gonna be the worst,
If it's gonna be that bad,

Why not expect myself to kick some ass?

2010-12-05T23:49:00.002+08:00

So I learnt two things today.

1). My drinking limit.

[Okay, to the more serious stuff]

2). How it feels like to separate without saying good bye.

Basically, my cousins are gonna go back to Germany by midnight.
Before that, we had a great time drinking.
It was my first time trying out alcoholic cider.
Wow, didn't expect it would have such a great impact on me.
And so, afterwards, I couldn't stand the throbbing in my head, and went to take a nap for a while.
When I woke up, the whole house was empty.
They already left for the airport, with my Singaporean aunt as well.
They didn't wake me up, although I asked them to.

So I had nothing to do except to go back home.
And feeling remorseful for not being able to do such simple things: saying goodbye, and sending my regards.

The next time they would be coming back here, probably around 2-3 years time.
I couldn't say what I wanted to say;
How I enjoyed spending the great time with them,
How I wish I could have spent more time,
And how I love my family for having such diverse members.

Believe it or not,
My paternal family branched to having Chinese, native Indonesians, and European members.

And to make them all even more proud to be members of Tandiono family, I guess there is only one thing.

Fortunately, it's achieving my own dream too.
To be the first doctor in the bloodline.

A moment of truth.

2010-11-26T20:06:00.002+08:00

One thing that's true.

It takes you deeper into the subject for you to discover whether it's really your thing.

For now,
I realised basketball isn't at all what I'm destined to be.
I only like it, as a hobby.
I'm not fated to be a serious sportsman, much less basketballer.

I was naive to thing that it was all that mattered to me.
I was so wrong.
Medicine course was currently something I've wanted to take since I was young.

I hope I was right, and it really is something I'm meant to be.

2010-11-23T22:06:00.003+08:00

"Be careful of what you wish for, cause you might just get it all."

Seriously, I should have missed it out ON PURPOSE.
But I knew it too late, a little too late.
And again, I learnt it the hard way.

Never knew being loyal can put myself in such dire states.....

...physically....

...Okay, mentally too.

A second chance?

2010-11-19T21:57:00.003+08:00

My name was called up to the front after the Chemistry lecture today, among the few people who will take H3 Chemistry next year.

I'm not in there I know.
But the teacher said I could appeal for it.
But you see, when he said that, I was still hopeful for a good overall end-of-year result.
After getting back all of them, I dropped all my idea about H3.

Until today, when my name appeared on the screen.
I could jolly well bet that I'm the only one on the 'appeal' list.

Still,
It was like, giving me the green light to go for it.
It was like, hinting that they accepted my application.
It was like, challenging me getting D for Chemistry promos.

Not being boastful or what, but, what about my other friends who got a D for Chem promos and yet didn't get called up?

It was like, God showing me that I should take this Leap of Faith.

My mum already sent the appeal e-mail to the science HOD.
Now I only need to wait for the confirmation.
If I get accepted, well, super-hard labour, here I come.

But nonetheless, as Barney Stinson always exclaimed,

"CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!"

2010-11-16T19:13:00.004+08:00

Today, I learnt that God has the future planned for me.
Okay, more of I finally realised that with a concrete example.

For instance, today.

After of an inactive period of basketball, I was supposed to have a training with the school team again.
I was fearing for the worst; that I vomited to the extent of vomiting air == and got really close to fainting.
But who knew that suddenly, a heavy downpour showered the whole place an hour before training.
It all changed from basketball training to gym session.
Okay, it wasn't an easy time, but at least nothing that I can't handle.
I got pushed to the limit though, and probably tomorrow my whole body will be aching like crap.

But you see, maybe this was what God has already planned.
He prepared me first, before putting myself in the real deal.

Nothing I can say to express my amazement,
Except my most gratitude to Him and Him only.

I shall not worry anymore xD

Time warps, Time changes, Time heals, Time brings people together.

2010-11-14T21:27:00.002+08:00

Had a meeting with 3 of my Primary School classmates today, in which 2 ~~were~~STILL ARE my best friends.
No matter how little it is, we all have changed one way or another.
I mean, of course, it's been...wow...6-7 years I guess.

Michael, who was once the 'giant' in my younger days, is now only slightly taller than me.
He could only stop growing, not grow shorter, so that means YAY! I did grow VERY significantly xD I was once barely his shoulder-height. Now I guess I'm err...his eye-level.
Other than that, he was once the school academic champion. Okay, he is still as smart, I guess. But he played more than me =X

Eka, who was once kinda chubby and could hardly play sports, is now the tallest among us, slim, and is in a basketball team. He must be really good.
He is still the same, random, old Eka though xD

Gina, who was once innocent, quiet little girl in class, has now grown into a more outgoing and *cough* less innocent xD
Her voice, and the way she talks are unchanged though. Haha.

Wow, it's crazy. Time does fly damn fast.

It was once my childhood days in St. Leo II; getting into fights in school, crying when I get bullied or lost, being so ever talkative, falling into puppy love for the first time, being scared of teachers' punishments, triumphing as the 3rd in cohort for national exam. Eventually, we all went to different schools.

And then it was my journey into one of the tops, independent secondary school in Jakarta, where rich, snobbish people are abound. But nonetheless, I made some best friends in there too. SMPK 7 BPK Penabur
The first year was tough. I was like the nerd and the loser who got bullied in class.
I tried to keep my ground, but I couldn't stand it. In the end, I only talked to a few people in my class.
Luckily the cohort was reshuffled into different classes in Year 2. That was like my best times in the school.
My classmates were all cool with me, especially the guys. I got myself a position in my class' "society".
It's sad that at the end of my 6 months in Year 2, I moved into Singapore.
A sad parting but nevertheless, I didn't regret my decision.

And then came FTPSS. I got enrolled back to Sec 1. I'm officially a year behind my same-age peers back in Jakarta.
Sec 1 and 2 were were awesome. But Sec 3 and Sec 4 were the best.
My O Level weren't so bad too.
Just like my primary school life, I think studying in a neighbourhood school isn't all that bad. It may even be better than some top schools.

And we've come to 2010.
I enrolled into another top school, NJC.
It has been a bloody battle this whole year for me.
But I didn't say I never enjoy it.
It's been a challenging, yet a fun year for me.
But hey, I survive! Time has been helping by moving fast.
I'm now left with one more year and Pre-University is over!

And here we are.
Reminiscing how my whole life has been.
Well, not every part of it, but I'm sure education and friends alone have been a big chunk of my life.

Talking about JC2,
Next year will be one fucking hell of a year.
I can't find any better word for it.
I remember saying at the end of 2009 that I was damn bloody positive that 2010 is gonna be "one hell of a year".
2011 is gonna be worse.
But of course, I won't spend my time worrying my ass for the whole damn time.
I'm sure 2010 has been meaning well for my training.
If everyone can survive 2010, and be ready for 2011,
I'm sure I can't be less than ready.

Of course there are these things to worry about.
Managing my time well,
Hardcore basketball training for A Division basketball [ah crap, just thinking of the intensity of the training - the vomiting and the fainting - gives me goosebumps already. And Tuesday I'm starting again],
Lots of PA events to take care of next year,
PA concert for 2011,
Teaching PA juniors next year,
And of course, ultimately, getting A for all my 4 H2s in A Levels [That means hardcore studying, and with all the other things to be done for 2011, we're back to my first point].

I think I should be ready.
But I still feel that I'm not.
Fuck, whatever.
I'm sure Time, and obviously, God, will help.

I don't wanna think about it.

Jack of little trades

2010-11-13T00:00:00.002+08:00

You know, I've been trying to be a lot of things.

One of the tops in studies among my peers,
A good basketball player, okay, at least to keep up in my CCA.
A good DoTA player, at least comparable to my peers too,
And many other things.

On the process, I kept learning it the hard way.
Okay, more like having it the hard way.
I just can't keep up.

Here in NJ, your best effort just won't be good enough.
In my CCA, I probably should just be the water boy.
In DoTA, I'm never more than a liability to the team. Either I feed the opponent, or I just can't keep up in gankings.

Don't even talk about being able to enter a faculty of medicine.
Though I'm still working towards it, I don't even know anymore.

It's like everytime I try to be good at something, life stands in my way, slaps me into the ground, spits on me, and shouts "IN YOUR FACE!"

Oh well.

So that makes me someone who tries a little bit of ~~everything~~little things, but master of none.
Heck, I'm no jack of all trades.

Nice to meet you, I'm Kevin.
The jack of little trades.

2010-11-10T22:53:00.003+08:00

*What a nice feeling it is after a hot shower xD*

Okay, that was a passing comment.

Alright, topic of the ~~month~~WEEK: "OP!", "PW IS OVER!"

Yeah, I'm finally able to say out loud the last sentence I mentioned.
Oh well, this part of the journey has come to an end.
My OP was kinda screwed I think because I tend to speak too fast or because I didn't handle my QnA well. Imagine the two examiners asking you similar questions one after another. It was like as if my answer was out of point. Not like I didn't answer her question but...

ARGH ENOUGH!

What's done is done. I shall not rattle about it any longer xD
You know what, after all this ends, I kinda feel that I'm gonna miss PW one way or another.
The discussion we had during lessons,
The time that we created a forest model for Marc to step on and make it as a video,
The time that we were going crazy over deadlines,
The time when Hui Ying always asked to come early in the morning or stay back to edit WR,
The time when Li Shi impressed me with her artistic works for posters,
The time when we headed down to Kampung Senang for our exhibition,
The time when Jia Yi cracked weird jokes somehow xD,
The time when Marc asked off-topic, 'guai lan' questions [well not that now he doesn't anymore],
And of course, Mr. Keith Alexander Tan, our supervising tutor with his favourite phrase "Justin Baybeh".

We celebrated the end of PW as a whole class too [well, almost the whole class] with a BBQ at Debbie's house.
For the first time, we had almost everyone sat around in a circle and shared some confessions about ideal partners, first impressions, etc.
It was another good session, I guess.
Especially since the attendance for today's outing was almost 100%.

Well well well.
An end of another chapter.
And a beginning of a new one.
What new chapter begins? We shall wait and see.

Wasted? I don't know, You tell me.

2010-11-06T23:23:00.002+08:00

I spent the last 2.5 days straight tuning the inside of my phone.

It all started with iTunes hogging all my laptop HDD with its apps. So I deleted all of them that I don't use anymore.
And next, my phone can't sync to my iTunes. I can't back anything up.
I can't even restore from a previous backup.

Afterwards, for no apparent reason, suddenly it just had this problem where I can't seem to open Echofon, my Twitter application.
And then, my Facebook and similar apps can't save my username and password after I login, so I had to login everytime I go in and Facebook will keep sending email notification saying that my account was accessed and bla3x.
Next, my Surviving High School can't operate.
And lastly, my VLC Media Player can't play any of the basketball videos that I put in.

After re-spring-ing the Springboard on my phone,resetting, restoring, even hard-reset-ing,
The problem persisted.
I had no choice but to reformat my phone.
Luckily I could restore my contacts and sms-es, but not my musics and photos.
Putting them again was a painful process.

Oh well, even until now I still can't find a concrete solution to all these.
All I can take note now is that before I install something on my phone,
I better back it up first.
Or the chaos comes back again.

6.5 hours of Left4Dead 2...

2010-11-03T14:48:00.002+08:00

..with guys classmates,
Followed by a supper and a sleep-over,

The next day,
Went home to bathe, but couldn't nap afterwards to make the sleep I had lost the night before at Keith's house.
So I watched movies, 1 Thai movie and 3 Indonesian movies, straight in a row.
By the time it was 8.30pm, I wanted to collapse in my bed already, and true enough, I dozed off the moment I touched my bed soon afterwards.

It was a great break from this stressful world that I live in, but before I realised, I got back already.
I was so engrossed in the break that I actually forgot to set my morning alarm back.
I woke up late for PA duty today.

After that, it was time to get back to PW.
Now I'm in the middle of practicing OP with my group.
And maybe when I get back home later,
Maybe it is time to start drafting my I&R.

I hope that after this post ends, I can forget about my utopia.
And yes, it is time to head back to my reality.
The harsh reality of this depressing world.

2010-10-30T23:23:00.002+08:00

I realise I haven't been writing for quite a while huh.

PW was somewhat great. The group was in a good sync for OP but I need to finetune my speech. Yeah, right. I can't really pronounce R and B properly =='

The presentation is in about 1-week+ time.

Now, Promo Exams.
Did better overall than Common Test.
But I guess it didn't really reach my expectation.
Especially Chemistry and Math.
I put so much effort for Chemistry nearing the exam.
And for Math, well it was a shock. 2008 and 2009 papers weren't this difficult.
Physics, however, was beyond my expectation.
I got a B. I got a U for Common Test.
Thanks to God, and of course, my tutor.
So basically,

General Paper: E [from D]
Physics: B [from U]
Chemistry: D [from U]
Mathematics: U [from C]
Economics: D [from S]

Not a bad result if you tell me.
In fact, it obviously is a lot better than my Common Test.

I'm just quite disappointed for not being able to take H3 Pharmaceutical Chemistry.
And Math, really didn't think that the subject that I scored the highest so far can be so shitty.

I guess God has another plan.
Well, He did help me to get promoted.
And I think that He,through my parents, was telling me that it all ain't over yet.

I'm happy to have such supportive family.

Well, I guess this 'end' is just another new 'beginning'.
It ain't over. I'm still on my way to my dream.

Officer Cadet School.

2010-10-20T23:08:00.002+08:00

Went to visit OCS as part of school learning journey today.

Felt a bit pointless to go since I wouldn't be serving NS anyway but,

It was not so bad.
The army bunks weren't like normal army camps. They have two beds per room instead of many.
The food though, really tasted like some simple foods.But they taught you to appreciate your food now! Haha.

Better still, I got my once-in-a-lifetime chance of painting my face green with black tint as part of camouflage exercises.
Quite fun to do, except for maybe, the cleaning part...
And another one, I got to try shooting mounted machine gun and a kind of rifle.
The recoil of the machine gun, I tell you, felt like you got punched in the shoulder. Haha. The rifle was fun to play with though.

Overall, the trip was quite awesome.
Made me realise that you should try as many things in life as possible.
Life is too short to be filled with monotonous patterns of living.
Paint it with some colours.

The day could have been perfect. But the workload of PW just took the perfecting piece away.

2010-10-19T21:24:00.002+08:00

I want time to relax, so so badly.

I don't know why, I'm just... tired.. almost all the time.

And damn, thanks to that freaking ATM, my debit card is now eaten up.
Leaving me to borrow money here and there for the rest of the week.
Gotta wait until next week 'till they send me a new one.

I'm supposed to be doing PW now, but I'm feeling uber lazy.

I.. can't... lose...focus...

2010-10-11T21:26:00.002+08:00

When you screwed some things up,
And when you try to hide it and get over it,
And when you didn't think of the forthcoming consequences,
And when you finally realise you will have a dire consequence,
It's all too late.

Ironic that today earlier I said that some people might just have to learn the hard way.

Guess in this case, I'm one of the people.

I think I'm screwed.

No, even this is an understatement.
The trusts that people had, my image, and my reputation, is totally at stake.
Not like this incident will make me unpopular.
It may make create distrust all over me.
And the worst thing is, it will badly affect my whole CCA.

And it's all my fault.
Yes, yes, inside all of you I know you all are blaming me.
I deserve it anyway.
Why was I chosen as one of the Exco anyway?
None of the previous ones would ever make a mistake this stupid.
Why would they all choose me anyway?

Seriously, if the school needs to remove my position, so be it.

I seriously believe this CCA is better off without me after all.
I've never done anything much, except maybe asking for help, and yes, screwing things up big time.

Thanks for all the masks. You all can just shun me away if you want to.
Seriously, just bring all the consequences you all can bring.

I might have made an oath to be more careful next time, but even that only fate can decide whether you guys will even believe me again.
'Cause once a trust is broken it will never be able to be pieced together perfectly again.

"Bros before hoes!"

2010-10-08T23:40:00.003+08:00

Hey bloggie.

Promos could be long over, at least that's how it seems to be.
But Project Work seems to miss me a lot.
A few days of neglecting it, and it started to bug me again.

What can I say?
Three days straight filled with PW.
Even during the break after Promos.
Even during the weekends.

Yesterday, a Thursday, one day after my Promos,
Been in school spending my afternoon doing Powerpoint slides.

Today, a Friday, spending my morning in school for Oral Prsentation Workshop, and spending my entire afternoon participating in my classmates' pilot test.
It was quite fun though.
Walking around different Museums in Singapore with "Amazing Race" Style.
We were divided into random groups, and the group I was in won! xD
Having an iPhone with an internet plan has its uber usefulness after all. Hahaha.
I used my phone a few times finding informations and as maps.

And not forgetting tomorrow, my favourite day, my "sacred day", a bloody Saturday!
Morning: meeting a non-profit organisation for our exhibition.
Afternoon: checking out the location for our exhibition, drawing posters, and giving out flyers.

Oh yeah, before I go further into that, this exhibition is a combined "pilot tests" between my group and some other groups in my class.
Some doing Eco-Fashion, some Eco-Entertainment, and not forgetting Eco-Tourism.
My group, well, we are doing some project related to tree scarcity.
And since our projects are kinda related, we thought hey why not have a combined exhibition and conduct each of our own pilot tests?
So here we go.
Anyway my group has already done a pilot test with similar purpose already. I still can't figure out why they wanna do another one.
Okay, maybe this is a big scale one and can be useful, but still, I still think we should just gear up for OP properly.

*sigh*, That's that.

Anyway, I feel kinda great to end today awesomely.

Hung out with my usual clique,
Yes, suddenly, thanks Liaowei. Haha.
That's what I like about this circle of ~~friends~~BROS of mine.
Very spontaneous at times.

It started like this [from my point of view].
I was on my way home from the "amazing race",
Yichao called me to have a haircut.
I agreed promptly, knowing SP would catch me in school again if I hadn't =='
And then Liaowei suddenly asked for a LAN outing.
He asked along San and Mars too.
And so, after me and Yichao had a haircut and dinner,
After San had a solitary jog,
After Mars and Liaowei went home from school,
We met at about 8pm at Somerset.
Went to a LAN shope at S:CAPE [is this how it's spelled?]
And had a LAN session straight for two hours.
We may not be professionals at DoTA or CS, but we had an enormous amount of fun.
Next, we went to fill our stomachs at 313.
And then, here I am, at home, describing how awesome my day had been, again.

No worries, bros, we shall all pass Promos and advance to Year 2!.....

...I hope. Haha.

If only everyday could always be this great.
But is it just a matter of my perspective, or is something else involved?

PROMOS OVER.

2010-10-06T21:07:00.002+08:00

But no, the battle is not over yet.

Still got Project Work. Damn.
Still gotta wait for the result to come out, which may turn out to be unexpected. Damn.
I can't lose hope though.

But hey, still, I think it's no doubt a good cause to celebrate.
The class [well, almost all the class], sang our voices out at KBox.
Which felt kinda great though I almost lost my voice completely. Haha.
This sense of freedom, such immeasurable and unexplainable feeling.

This is how it feels to be taken for granted and being used around.
Some shit.

Just a lil' bit more.

2010-10-04T11:02:00.003+08:00

2 exams, out of 5, down.

In a few hours time, I'm again facing another exam.

Maths today, Chemistry tomorrow, Physics for the last.

I lost a portion of my motivation during the weekends, after GP and Economics exam on Friday.
But I was lucky the Holy Spirit didn't abandon me.
Yesterday again was quite productive for Maths revision.

And now, as I finish brushing up my last preparation of my arsenals,
I can't help but feel a surge of confidence.
Okay, more of an assurance, and serenity rather than anxiety or complacency.

After all, it's still better to be calm now rather than try cramming in formulas inside my brain in such a last-minute attempt.
Time management is key xD

Just 3 more, Kev.

Most importantly, my fire can't burn out now.
Not when I'm almost there.

Let's do END this.

Untitled

2010-09-27T00:28:00.001+08:00

It's never the end.
No matter what, it's not.
You know why? 'cause an end is just a new beginning.

It all dawned on me now.
I shall continue pushing for the ending that I desire.
But hey, if it's not turning out as I wish it to be,
I shall form a new beginning from there.

It's never a dead-end. It's only gonna be a turn.

Yep, currently I'm sure it's the case.
No turning back, don't stop, and don't be such a sucker by getting all emo and start accusing around.
Who knows this is only a temporary turn, which ultimately may lead to your desired final ending anyway.

"God will make a way, when there seems to be no way"
"He will make a way for me."

Yeah bloggie, I'm gonna try with all my might for Promos.
Passing or not,
Getting promoted or not,
Needing to drop Chemistry or whatever subject or not,
Qualifying for a faculty of medicine or not,
They all don't matter.

What matters is now.
What matters is what I'm gonna do at this very moment.

Focus in every moment, Vin, for each of it may jolly well shape the turn, the rocky path, or the highway ahead of me.
But of course, never a dead-end.

It's never the end.
No matter what, it's not.
You know why? 'cause an end is just a new beginning.

中秋节快乐！

2010-09-22T20:23:00.001+08:00

Hey hey peeps

Happy Mid-Autumn Festival!

I wish I can see the blooming moon, but the view here is blocked by high-rise buildings ==

So here am I,
Munching my first snow-skin mooncake, after a few years without mooncakes at all (snow-skin is awesome! I'm officially hooked to it xD),
Listening to my music playlist,
In complete solitary in my room (roommate's out again! Hoho),
Blogging with my phone,
Still wishing everybody out there a peaceful evening with the full moon.

I'll probably be back to my mugging session soon.

Oh shit now I wanna buy more snow-skin mooncakes -.-'

Basketball.

2010-09-19T22:21:00.003+08:00

The feeling when I slushed the ball in so many consecutive times has been the best feeling I've ever had.

If only I can shoot like this during training too. I'll make it into the starting five in no time.

Sadly I'm not.

My shooting skill (or should I say, Luck) just decided to abandon me everytime during training periods.

And only come out when I'm playing it with my brothers for pleasure.

And then, the ball just feels like my one of my limbs; It hardly goes out of my control.

I love the game.

I love basketball.

When all else turn away, basketball has been my best company.

2010-09-16T21:04:00.003+08:00

As much as I hate to admit this,

I realise my Facebook status, tweets, and yes, slowly my blog too, has been filled up with "study".

I'm so scared of not making it to J2.

I'm so afraid of not getting promoted.

I can only keep trying, but that can only get me so far.

I don't know, I just don't know.

I wanna run away, but again I know I can't.

Right now all I ever want, and need, is a balling session at FTPSS basketball court alone, and a good night's sleep.

Sick of failing, exhausted of studying, tired of trying.
But oh well, I guess I can't stop moving.

2010-09-14T23:35:00.002+08:00

What the hell is wrong with my blog's layout again????
The images just stop uploading?

Any readers having the same problem? Or is it just my internet?

...

Oh well, as if there's any reader.

You know, it just sucks when you know you either have to sleep or study but yet your body, and soul just decide to do something else.
Like blogging here, and reminiscing on to the past everywhere.

Cyborg.

2010-09-11T20:18:00.005+08:00

Tuning, and tuning, and tuning...

After a few prototypes and tryouts,

I guess it's time to create a nameplate on it.

Emotions Processor
Model: IKT-29-9170-01
Primary Chip: Mind
Storage: Virtual Heart
Primary Fuel: Logic
Secondary Fuel: Motivation
Input Mode: Ears & Eyes
Output Mode: Actions & Mouth
Wastage Method: Behind-the-scene Actions
Lifespan: Approx. 65 years

Functions:

Mixing and regulating emotions inside of the being via a micro-furnace, creating an output which is useful for the owner, as desired. Delivering out actions deemed desirable to the owner, and incinerating those believed to be undesirable.

How to use:

Simply turn it on and the effect is instant.

Warning:

Storing wastage for too long may result in uncontrollable chains of emotional explosions which disrupts the functions of the primary chip and nearly unfeasible to repair. Always channel the wastage out regularly. Symptoms of problem may include, but are not limited to: automated random hand movements and instantaneous, almost uncontrollable mouthing of words.

Turning into a cyborg of my own?
I wish. I can only come close to it.
Perfection doesn't exist, but who said that even this machine is perfect?

Holiday Mode VS Study Mode

2010-09-07T22:35:00.002+08:00

I've been so ON with my Study Mode these few days.

Still can't believe that I actually sacrificed almost half of my sleep finishing up two Chemistry tasks.

Weird though, my parents and relatives are here for holiday trip,

Yet somehow, everything fell into place, just to re-assemble my motivation again.

*Firstly, and foremostly, talking things out with my dad. I used to strategise with him how to get myself pumped up. Now I know how to KEEP myself pumped up. No more flickering of the fire inside me, at least 'till Promos are over.

*Seeing my mom. That made me remember how I've gotta be grateful for this wonderful family I have and bringing glory to my family is the only way to repay them. I didn't travel all the way from Jakarta for nothing.

*My brother has been trying hard and yes, he's now coping well as a scholar. I cannot lose to him. Haha. All my failures shall not stand in my way anymore.

*Talking about Australian universities with my aunt. Reminds me of my aim; the future I've been dreaming of.

*Accompanying my parents to hospital for check-ups. The aura of the hospital, the clicking of keyboard and the ringing of the phone at the receptionist area, the sound of stretchers being moved around, the siren of the ambulance, the quietness of the clinics corridors, the coldness of the still air, the nameplates of many doctors and their degrees, the smell of medicine-like air..

Yes, this is where I know I wanna belong to be, with a white robe over me, and a stethoscope over my neck.

While somehow a bit of the holiday mood is seeping into me,

I can still hold it back, luckily.

No mood to play hardcorely, still left a lil' bit of urge to grab a book and study.

Whatever it is, I can't give up. I mustn't.

For my dream, my family, God and myself.

"I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

P.S. But for now, a little bit of my well-deserved break =P

The forbidden thoughts.

2010-09-03T23:54:00.002+08:00

I feel funny at times.

I turned out my lights, left my laptop in scanning for virus and shutting down automatically, jumped onto my bed, set my alarm and prepared to head off to dreamland.

But my freaking mind just couldn't stop contemplating.

So I just jumped out of my bed, and I'm turning on the room lights again. And I just felt like blogging.

Although I'm supposed to be asleep now to wake up early for tomorrow's PW meeting ==

Wonder why I am so attached to my bloggie more recently. Haha it's a good thing though.

Except that the fact tomorrow I'll most probably be a half-zombie again.

Damn, my urge to self-torture seems to come back again.

And here I am, typing out words of emotions.

You know what, bloggie.

Sometimes I just wonder how it feels to look at myself in another person's view.

I'm curious about how I seem to be to the world.

Whether I'm simply someone boisterous and loud when happy, yet quiet and sleepy when emo,

Or do I portray something differently?

Can I be a person who can see through the hidden feelings that I keep, and somehow can understand them?

Or would I be someone who shuns away once I see through the barrier?

But that would be useless.

Wishing for it would just be like wishing for an apple to fall from an orange tree.

Why would I need to think so much anyway?

It's not like others care about what I keep inside.

Or rather, it's just better to hide it, rather than show it and explain why to every single person who asks.

Another thing is that sometimes I wish I can inflict what I feel inside to others around me too.

People that just don't understand and care, yet are continuously a bother, a hater, anything related. You name it.

I want them to know how much it burns, and pains to be me.

So that they don't take things for granted.

So that they know that life is more than meets the eye.

So that they know what they have done! Yes, what else!

On the other hand, people who really care and understand,

I want them to know, and feel what I feel towards them.

How much of a blessing they are to me.

Sometimes, showering them with your feelings are insufficient to express the amount of gratitude inside me.

I want them to feel the immense bliss inside me too.

But again, this is forbidden, and again, useless.

God wouldn't give this ability to mankind, as long as there's this possibility of us hurting one another, intentionally or not.

Undoubtedly I may have hurt people around me at times, but again, sometimes being apologetic is not enough. And yes, "sorry" has been overused such that it's kinda meaningless sometimes.

I want them to feel how truly remorseful I am.

Then again, why would I wanna think of these useless stuff?

Why fills my brain with these junks?

I feel funny at times.

Instead of strategising my study plan for the upcoming exams, my mind ponders of small, little, utterly useless rubbish.

Instead of re-planning my own future, I keep clinging on to the meaningless past.

2010-09-02T22:11:00.001+08:00

You know what.

On second thought,

Sudden, unexplainable change in attitude sucks.

And that's why, on top of that, I suck.

2010-09-02T20:00:00.002+08:00

I'm supposed to do a darn essay and study for test tomorrow instead of wasting time here.

I don't understand what I'm thinking sometimes.

There are just too many things that I can't achieve.

What's with all my seemingly-big ambitions?

Yet I can't help but indulge myself in my wishful thoughts.

I just got my motivation back yesterday.

Okay, I admit it was a short burst, but it was enough to keep me up from falling upon my knees again.

And now when the pace seems to be picking up, the world just has to screw it all up.

How? By showing me even more failures and things that I can't seem to accomplish. In. My. Face.

By the time it was half the day, I found it hard to even put up a smile anymore.

This freaking world drained everything that I've got in me.

Okay, this was a subjective statement.

The blame's all on me.

Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this competitive world.

Once again, I was wrong to think that I can accomplish much in life.

"What your mind believes, you can achieve" does not apply to me.

'Cause what my mind believes, the world denies it.

What's making me feel worse is my inability to let all my feelings out.

I used to be very expressive, showing up everything that I feel, be it happiness or anxiety or frustration, at one instant. And I'm not able to keep the negative thoughts for long.

Alright, I admit that I wished to control how my emotions could flow out.

Maybe now I can, but it's a bit too much.

Now I can't even regurgitate anything, even if I want to.

No, not even when I'm alone, not even when I'm with my besties, not even when I'm with some adults who are close to me.

Yes, I can't even express it here.

Although I sense a mix of anger, despair, anxiousness, happiness, love and hatred, in a furnace inside me.

But life always goes on.

As you grow older, you realise life gets more cruel to you.

Okay, that was a subjective statement again. It is merely my opinion.

I was never entitled to make a general statement.

Not when my emotion is like a volcano; dormant at times, but ready to blast anytime.

PA Lunch & PW

2010-09-01T20:43:00.002+08:00

The 10/11 Exco treated Samuel to thank him for his training despite his busy schedule.

Haha. One word. RETARDED.

And for my PW group, I hope our WR went well. Sorry I had to leave halfway =\

Sometimes these little things are what makes life more enjoyable at times.

Teachers' Day 2010. Man, this post is gonna be long.

2010-08-31T20:35:00.007+08:00

I feel emotional even as I am typing this very post.

Met up with Mars, Liaowei, and then San and Yichao to go back to FTP together.

Yongyi met us later in school.

Then met up with more of ex-schoolmates in there.And then of course, teachers.

Archie and Zhongyi met us later though.

Okay I probably have said this.

In fact, many times.

But heck, I'm still gonna say it anyway.

I miss FTPSS.

Yes, from friends,

To the times,

To the canteen,

To teachers,

To my homeroom at A2-02, Ms. Kaur's room, where I used to lie on the sofa during lessons or even throw dusty Buttercup pillow to one another.

To the food in the canteen.

To the auntie at the drink stall.

To the Basketball court. Oh my, good times when we slacked everyday after school churning our heart out through basketball until evening.

To the bustop nearby,

To the elevators, where we used to sneakily take to move between floors,

To the school hall, where we sometimes messed around at.

To 4E1 '09,

To all the teachers who have taught me, yes again,

Okay, I gotta admit, even to the toilet.

No matter how many times I come back, it still feels like a second home to me.

Not that NJ sucks though.

I just feel more attached to FTPSS.

A lot more.

And when I unleashed everything at the basketball court,

The feeling was awesome.

I even spent my shoes' last moments in there. Now I gotta go get another basketball shoes.

It was a perfect ending for my Air Jordan.

I left my detached sole under the tree at the side of the court. Haha.

I'm awesomely tired.

The feeling when we met up with teachers was much nostalgic.

Made me remember how I used to be such a mischief in school.

But I guess I still managed to make them proud, more or less.

Hopefully I can still do so.

Hmm went to hang out with Yichao and Zhongyi at Novena afterwards.

Slacked around, talked about things, and bitched about life. Haha.

Suddenly posting this entry made me remember how was Teachers' Day two years ago and one year ago.

Two years ago, 3E1 '08 was fooling around in Ms. Kaur classroom, our homeroom.

But that was when a bond, like no other, formed.

And then, one year later, it was no different, if not better.

Hmm we no longer camwhored and fooled around in class, but those moments were simply uncaptured in picture forms. Rather, it was engraved inside our hearts.

What can I say? I love FTPSS and yes, 3E1 '08/4E1 '09

And I thank you, just for being a simply wonderful memory to me.

2010-08-30T19:41:00.001+08:00

Hmm tomorrow,

I shall keep myself cool.

Until FTPSS Basketball Court is within my sight.

2010-08-28T22:36:00.002+08:00

Giant Yankee Burger was sicko =='

And I touched basketball a bit today.

Not training, but leisurely.

And strangely I had more fun than when I train.

It's able to make me better, but why do I lack the motivation?

And for the subsequent times, I need to sort out the random sparks in my head.

2010-08-21T16:36:00.004+08:00

There are motivated people, and the laid-back ones.

And again, I found myself sitting on the fence.

It's never good I know.

I move between two sides on various times.

And still I do not know which one is the right one for me.

On one time, I know what I wanna do, what I wanna get, how to get there, how to start.

I know with enough perseverance, it will happen.

But on other times,

I got myself into my own contemplation.

Whether this is what I really want out of my life.

Whether this is my purpose.

Whether I've put my deterrence for the correct purpose.

Whether I'm not wasting my time.

And whether moving towards what I want out of my life right now is the right thing to do.

Why would I wanna push myself so hard in life?

Is what I'm gonna get worth it?

But

Why would I wanna live a life where I'm lost at what to do?

Why don't squeeze the shit our of my life, get the most of it?

But

Is squeezing all the juice means having the best out of life?

Is what I'm doing now making the most out of it?

Are you sure it will be worth it in the end?

But

Making the most out of life means not wasting any moment.

Strive in everything I do.

If I give it my all, surely it'll be worth in the end.

...

And the cycle repeats.

Yea, those are just some of the random, continuous arguments raging on in my mind.

When will these endless loops end?

There's always something to learn from.

2010-08-18T21:00:00.003+08:00

No matter what happens to you, you can always gain something from it, really.

Today, I learnt that being a sore loser is disgusting. When you do something, admit it. Wrong or not, accidental or not, it's always better if you admit it. Doing it so obviously, yet obviously denying it, that just was so ungentlemanly. Loser. Even after you brought me down, I could see it from the corner of my eyes. Yes, your freaking guiltless face. But oh well, I have no alibi against you. You almost knocked me unconscious after all. You backstabbed me. Even the others who didn't have anything against me decided to help. I felt so bad for him covering up for you. Yes, in the end we all know, you are the loser. Yes, you.

Another thing.
Winning by cheating sucks to the max. Not only your team got advantages by breaking the rules, even the in-game rules were made for your benefits as well. That's just so cowardly. All along I feel so honoured, but now I feel disgusted being in the same league as you. How could I ever feel proud for being equal as unhonourable people like you guys. Seriously, it disappointed me. The shamefulness I had inside is way bigger than the knock and bleeding on my head. That attitude is just gross.

Well whatever.
I shall bathe, and mug for Physics SPA tomorrow.
Not forgetting, thank God the cut wasn't at my eye. It was close, but not there. Thank God.

Drowning.

2010-08-18T00:04:00.002+08:00

I'm totally up to my neck with my work.
And that's not meant to be figurative.

But for someone wearing his heart on the sleeve since birth,

This is probably the only suitable - don't know if it's healthy though - getaway from all the chaotic emotions inside.

Within 24 hours, the weather forecast might have been fixed, but some storms just continue wrecking havoc.

End of random post.
I shall continue my work again.

First Toa Payoh, First memories of Singapore that's engraved in me.

2010-08-15T02:35:00.002+08:00

Went for the gathering of 4Es in Seoul Garden Bugis last evening.

Ms. Ang organised it, and although not all of 4Es came, we had quite a fun.

It was definitely more than enjoyable reminiscing all the good old days, and talking out about how our lives are currently progressing.

The way we met,
The way we fooled around in classes,
The way we talked back to teachers sometimes, haha,
The way we copied one another's homework,
The way we spent time after school in basketball court,
The way we teased one another,
The way we called ourselves with names,
The way we created a bond,
The way we imprinted memories in ourselves.

All of a sudden, I miss my first 4 years in Singapore, with First Toa Payoh peeps.

2010-08-11T21:30:00.000+08:00

I hate last minute notice, it sours my mood.

Especially if it involves taking away my rightful sleep.

A moment in time.

2010-08-09T22:35:00.002+08:00

Amidst the break of my work, suddenly I feel like coming back here to ~~write~~ type something.

It's a 4-day holiday during Singapore's National Day period.

For Singaporeans, this is a period to celebrate. But to me, it probably will be just another long weekend when I can finally take a little breather for myself.

Before I even realised, it's two days to school.

Lots of homework, lots to study.

2 days are already burnt for basketball training.
I don't know what happened to me.
During training yesterday, after a few continuous sprints, I felt dizzy,vomited twice, and collapsed to the ground. I actually got closer to fainting.
After a while, I really drifted off. Maybe I did faint after all. When I woke up, I didn't feel less exhausted.
I rested for the rest of the training.
And today, my whole legs turned jelly-like.
I need to get used to this pace faster, or December training could turn out like hell.

Homework is just piling up and I can't seem to have time to catch up. The blame's probably on me since I didn't make use of this long weekend to do so, but I desperately yearn for quality time for myself.

To just stop in a moment in time, to just pause, to reflect on things I've done, what I should have and shouldn't have done, to contemplate on what I must keep doing, to just ponder about basically all sorts things that's been going through.

I must get promoted. I must keep up with the basketball training. I must get more committed in PA. The biggest challenge is, to keep my own sanity and to keep my inner flame burning.
Yes, the Bankai mode. Haha.

I'm still on the edge of the cliff. I don't know if I should move on. I wanna plunge into a new beginning and yet my head turns behind occasionally just to look back on what has happened. All of a sudden the images about those moments are forcing themselves into my head again. Yes, those moments in time about me and you. They're supposed to be long gone, I know.

Sometimes I just wonder whether I really have moved on. Time and again I know I have. But sometimes even I doubt the truth of my own perceptions.

2010-08-06T20:34:00.002+08:00

I don't wanna fall into another infinitely deep abyss.

I've just managed to barely scrap through in getting myself back up to the outside.

And again, I'm now on the edge of another one.

Either I take this chance, which is likely to bear fruit, and be trapped in another dimension for another time,

Or I choose to be safe.

I've always been taking the risks in life, without worry, and I always triumph over them.

But the mere thoughts of this, can shudder me from head to toe.

Yet, if I ever manage to get the end of the maze, there lies the only thing I've ever searched for in life.

Why is it so difficult to take this risk for once again?

Deserved it.

2010-07-28T21:18:00.002+08:00

Didn't study less than my full capacity?

I got 2 U grades for my subjects.

And when I thought everything was okay,

I got suspended from Basketball.

But I don't wanna think of this as the point where I'll surrender to my fate.

I'll create my own destiny.

Suddenly I remember a post from www.pointguardtips.com

The author, a starting PG in his university team, was once suspended from Basketball due to his results also.

And what did he do to get back into the team?

Practiced every day, and studied at home for 2 hours before he slept.

I'm considering taking up this method.

After school, rush home and train. Then study.

At least 3 days per week ball training, 1 day for physical training.

So it'll be same as the intensity of my CCA.

I don't care.

I'm gonna do it.

Mind over matter.

2010-07-25T20:37:00.003+08:00

I don't wanna complain anymore.

I don't wanna whine.

I don't wanna be too noisy anymore.

I don't wanna be too spontaneous, or outspoken.

Mind over matter.

The belief is that the mind is stronger than the body.

But what to do.

I'm just someone with impossibly big dreams, but with very limited traits.