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OhLaila |
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
With that, my Common Tests are over! Sure, maybe my results won't be what I expect. Maybe my effort didn't pay off now. But I'm certain that I've given it my all. The rest, so they say, just leave it to the divine intervention. For now, I shall enjoy my break! Before Hell comes back... Friday, 24 June 2011
Untitled. Tanpa Judul. Probably my first, or first few posts in Indonesian. I'm feeling like writing in Indonesian now. Hari Jumat, 2 hari sebelum ujian tengah tahun. Rasanya ku belum selesai belajar, tetapi sudah mulai sirna hasrat untuk menyelesaikan semua tugas-tugas ini. Kayaknya semua yang ku perbuat ini sia-sia. Belajar ga belajar, toh sama saja. Nilai ku tetap jelek, aku juga ga ngerti sama sekali kadang-kadang. Memang harusnya aku ga boleh nyerah, ga boleh patah semangat. Tapi gimana mau optimis kalo cahaya harapan di ujung jalan aja ga kelihatan? Optimis pakai apa? Ga ada yang bisa ku pegang untuk selamat dari rasa putus asa. Dengan perasaan dan semangat yang ombang-ambing ini, sudah pasti nya gw ga bisa selesaikan belajar sesuai jadwal. Pasti ada aja yang beda. Entah karena ada soal-soal latihan yang ga ada jawaban/solusi nya, atau karena gw ga bisa kerjain satu soal pun selama ber jam-jam. Memang sepatutnya sebagai orang katolik kalau gw berpegang penuh pada Tuhan, tetapi kadang sulit dan berat rasanya kalau iman dan keteguhan batin gw di tes seperti ini terus. Mungkin ga persis sama dengan "hidup segan, mati tak mau". Gw cuma merasa ga punya pegangan buat lanjutin jalanan hidup yang tampaknya tidak berakhir ini. Wah, pas lagu Eminem lagi diputar di komputer gw. Emang benar kalau kita ga boleh diam saja sementara hidup mendorong kita terus. Harusnya gw bangkit, dan ga boleh diam dan disakiti. Ok, udah cukup malas-malasan. Waktunya kembali ke kenyataan dari lamunan gw yang benar-benar ga berarti. Well, that was....kinda hard. It ain't easy any more to put up a proper composition in the language that I grew up with. Okay, seriously, Time to get back to reality from my own, super pointless pondering. Saturday, 18 June 2011
Questions popping up. I'm at a point where I'm questioning everything in my life, including my life itself and its purpose. Why was I born? What have I been doing with my life? What am I going to do for the future? How am I gonna prepare for that? Which are the mistakes I'm doing and which are the right things? Among the many paths laid before me, which one will I continue treading towards? What have I not done? What could have I done? Why am I studying this hard? Is being a doctor really my dream? Do I have what it takes to be there? Seriously, I'm so confused that I decided to get advice from the Digimon's Chosen Children's advice Tumblr blog. I didn't put my name, of course, and this is the reply from the character who, similarly, wanted to become a doctor, and spent his whole teenage years to practically study, beside Digimon. Call me shallow, childish, or whatever. Even I sometimes think so too myself. This is what he replied me. "When you’re raised in a family, like I was, where the presumed lifestyle is to breathe, east, sleep, and become a doctor… well let’s say, for the longest time I didn’t know why I wanted to be one either. It was unquestionable. But during Myotismon’s seige, my brother told me I could be anything I wanted… and that was probably the first time I’d heard of that! But because of everything I went through in the Digital World, I learned that what I wanted to do is to help people, and becoming a doctor is one of the best ways to do that. So perhaps you feel an overwhelming desire to make a difference and help people that need it. Either that or you just want to be in school for unnecessary amounts of time." "Especially if you’re serious about joining me in the quest for medical school, you want to make it as smooth as possible and get the best grades you can. Unless you meet someone who fully supports your goals and wont distract from your schoolwork, remember your priorities are to get your career on track and then to worry about meeting someone." Oh well, I'll figure something out, hopefully. Right now I have to start sorting out the mess inside my own head. It's appalling how my one head can have a few mindsets residing inside. Sunday, 12 June 2011
Stepping down. And so yesterday marked the end of my period as a member of NJPA ExCo '10/'11. Moments before handover, suddenly memories came rushing back into my head. Though the place for handover was different, the feeling was undoubtedly all the same. As my fellow ExCo members started to give speech, I had to fight back my tears, and I felt a mix of feelings inside of me. I was happy that I've done my best for the job, but sad 'cause I know I won't get the same experience ever again. I was worried about my juniors for their times ahead, but I'm proud to see that they've shown their capabilities to face their own challenges. But I chose to believe in them, as all my seniors did for my batch. The tears didn't come out yet 'cause I was not the first person to give speech. When it was my turn, I think I could hear my own shaky voice as I forcefully push back the tears behind my eyes. And when the rest gave out theirs, I couldn't hold it in any more. Everything just flowed out of my eyes. I won't forget all the stuff that we did together as a batch. Be it during events, camps, and even ExCo meetings. 'Cause they were all already engraved inside of me. There is still Rock Night: Amplified as my last event, and I know these moments have spurred me to give this event my all. |