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OhLaila
 Thursday 22 November 2012
Pressure. P=FA=hpg.

That's the definition of pressure in Physics.


But does not seem to be what I am feeling right now.



My thoughts are so incoherent now that I don't even know where to start.
I just feel like ranting.





Here I am, back to the period of ponder,
Suddenly losing my mood to write an essay that is due tomorrow,
Feeling oblivious to the impending doom that I have within the near future.


Oh right, it was the pressure that I'm feeling.
And everything else that just ruins the mood.
Objectively I seem very petty, but I can't help to not give a fuck at anything else that anybody feels.


Everybody seems to be talking about their approaching student exchange program.
Which is a sign of a recognition that the school can give to the students.
And here I am, feeling so sick of looking at how lousy I am at everything.


It's not about whether I can get to the exchange program that I really am pissed about.
But it goes back all the way to where my motivation begins and crumbles.



Family.
I'm worried that I am not able to fulfil what they wish to see me become; Independent and be responsible for my own life.
'Cause all I'm doing now is gaining any support that I can get from them, which subconsciously makes me more reliant towards their support of me slowly.
They have been backing me up for every of my failure and decisions, even the wrong decisions.
They have been spending so much money for my education abroad here.
And yet look at what I am doing.
Look at how much shit I can't accomplish.
Look at how much screw-ups that I have achieved.


I'm afraid that I will fall short on their expectations of me.
And I disappoint them.
Which means I'm disappointing myself.



Most of all,
I'm in fear, that someday they will have to leave me behind.
And when that time comes, I'm nowhere near prepared on my own.
And still I realise, how much I need them in my life.
No matter who I will be in the future.
And again, look at how much shit I have with me right now.




Everybody says that we just have to do the things that we enjoy. And that's the only & most important thing.
Pfft, yeah right.
If I just do what I like to do,
I'll just be stagnant every day, happy but disappointing everyone around me someday.
Which eventually upsets all the people dear to me.



So tell me.
To whom do I all do all these things for?
God?
'Cause I'm sure that I'm not doing the right thing right now.







Friday 9 November 2012
I really miss home..

And yet it was snatched from me.


What a cruel life.
Putting me under so much pressure I can feel my bones squishing.
Then showing me some light of hope.
Only to troll me eventually by slapping my face and saying "hopeless. Just hopeless."


I miss home.
And yet life has taken my one and only sanctuary away.


Tuesday 6 November 2012
Dear Hope

Dear Hope,


I just wanna let you know,
That you're so full of shit.
Everytime I try to escape from sorrow,
You just keep stamping me under your feet.


I don't know who told me to always be hopeful and positive.
But that mindset is wrong. So fucking wrong.
'Cause in the end all I end up with is go back to being negative.


Whispers of "try again" I hear you say?
A fucking slap right on your face I want to present to you.
Assuming you appear to be tangible to me some day.


But for now,
Please leave me alone.
Try your whispers some other time, when all this despair is gone.
Just remember to take it slow.
'Cause I'm sure this mentality is not gonna disappear by tomorrow.