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OhLaila |
Tuesday 26 July 2011
defying gravity Finally. I can say that today, I've successfully proved to myself that I am fully capable of rising against the pressure of my laziness. Right after school, I showered with cold water to keep myself awake. Yes it did, for a while. The effects wore off after a GP paper. Went to take a nap, in which I overshot again. But I made use of the time to finish up a lot of tasks. With that, and probably the effect of bubble tea, I managed to stay awake and fresh until now. Even after I thought I was done with revising for the test tomorrow, I was still a lot more awake than I thought I could be. So I spent more time with my books. Sounds crazy, even for me. The "me" a year ago, even a month ago, wouldn't even think of doing this. He would probably just abandon everything and go to bed, feeling completely oblivious to the impending perils ahead. Today, my friends, I've stood up against the devil inside of me, With the help of Holy Spirit that descended upon me (thank you Lord). I know I'd probably burn out sooner or later. But we shall consider it again. Sometime later. For now, all I know is that I've gotta give it my all, and refuel my own engine constantly. The rest, I shall leave it to the Holy Trinity. In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. :) Saturday 23 July 2011
Escape velocity. It just kinda occurred to me seconds ago that laziness and motivation can be related to Physics. *yes, finally I see a concrete and interesting connection between Physics and myself. Haha.* Let's take a case study of space shuttle. This is currently the only example I can think of, after reading about NASA's Atlantis recently. Heh. I'm the space shuttle. Laziness is like a gravity that pulls me down. The single, bigger rocket strapped on me is my passion. The two other smaller rockets are like my motivation. The outer space is my dream. In order for me to be able to successfully go against the gravity, I've got to have sufficient force upwards, and attain an escape velocity large enough so that I won't get pulled back down to earth. So I'd have to spark my own motivation, and give me the lift for the take-off towards my dream. After a while, both types of rockets will be removed from me. And I'd have to move on my own. This is where my motivation and my passion have been successfully brought me in front of my dream. The rest is up to me. Because my motivation and passion have been manifested inside of me. But in case, my passion and my motivation are not strong enough, And should they latch off too early because they run out faster than they should be, The laziness would pull me down again, To where I was before, And I'd be destroyed, turned into ashes of nothingness. So this is why I can do one of these things. EITHER I make sure I attain enough passion and motivation before I take off, OR I can always take off with roughly sufficient amount of both of them, and keep refueling it along the way. Oh, and I have to remember, that if I ever run out of them before I can even reach my dream, There's no second chance. I guess I should probably take off now. Cautiousness and calculations are never really my kind of stuff. Impulse, and think-on-the-spot attitude make me. So my choice would be the OR option. XD Wednesday 20 July 2011
Perseverance issue. I have this issue of persevering in me. Not in general. Ok, although my general perseverance is not very solid either. Bur this issue is about my attitude towards studying. Particularly subjects that I don't enjoy doing. I'm starting to enjoy General Paper, by the way. It feels satisfying to be able to think through issues. In a way, it's brain-stimulating. I'm starting to lose interest in Physics though. I'm beginning to think that they are no fun. It's not even my favourite to begin with. Chemistry is the only one I truly savour for now. And today, I have to sacrifice not doing the homework because apparently there are more "urgent" work for my other subjects. This is the only thing which I can focus the most. There're reasons why I chose to put Math and Economics last. I used to be neutral towards H2 Math. Now that I'm already ending the syllabus soon, I realise how much I am sick of it. It feels like the logic of all the calculations are now way beyond what I can comprehend. It wasn't like this back then few years ago. And the more I try to push forward, the more my own mind resists thinking. And the more my mind sees no purpose in me studying this subject. Economics, well, It's at the point where everything doesn't make sense now. After the Macroeconomic policies and stuff, I get no shit of what is International Trade all about. Sure, I understand what the notes and the lecturer are saying. But how the hell is it so bloody distinct from the questions in the tutorial. I mean, I don't know how I should put it. It just, doesn't make sense. According to my brain, at least. Now I SERIOUSLY miss Biology. I just finished my homework for Math and Economics. And I feel nauseous at what I can accomplish. It's so shitty I can't describe it. And I don't wanna go for extra tuition. I've made an ultimatum to myself. If I can't triumph over the stress here, I should not even be thinking of going into medical school. But if I don't take up extra tuition, I may reach a point where I would stop doing everything. It's barely a few weeks after I started my serious attitude towards my studies. And now I feel like I'm being tortured mentally. Lesson learnt: Always choose to do subjects that you enjoy!!!! At least maybe if I had chosen Biology over Physics, I would have two science stuff to have fun with. This test of perseverance is just the beginning. And I'm already at the point where I wanna slam my fists to the wall AGAIN. How the hell did I choose Physics over Biology when I attained a worse grade for Physics in O Level? How the heck was I so sure that H2 Biology is something I wouldn't like? How the hell did my mind think that I WOULD ENJOY PHYSICS OVER BIO? Not to mention that the condition of my own physiques is going down. I can only survive with longer hours of sleep, I can't exert myself physically as I used to be, Basically I'm not as energetic as I was 2-3 years ago. I seriously feel that I'm behind bars. Saturday 16 July 2011
With that, We've come to an end. An official end. An end to Rock Night 2011: Amplified. An end to my period in NJPA. And a beginning to my next road. I guess it feels worth it. The humiliation, the pain, the sweat, the tears, the time. Even though I can see that the audience may not enjoy the concert fully. But I put up an all right opening performance. May be a screwed singing coming from me. But I didn't regret it. No regrets for my first and last (probably) performance. At least everything went smoothly. No glitch, no technical problems, No lights problems, no sound problems. Many thanks to everyone who made all this possible. Every single one of the crew. Each has a contribution. And to you the audience. If I can recognise who you are, You who were sitting in the audience seats, Yes, I thank every one of you sincerely, Who is a significant part of the whole event. Without you guys this event would not even have proceeded in the first place. And have I said that my term in NJPA has officially ended? It's now back to full academic focus. With that, I presented my last event, Rock Night 2011: Amplified, And I ended my term, Awesomely. Thursday 14 July 2011
Anberlin - Feel Good Drag "Feel Good Drag" "I'm here for you" she said And we can stay for awhile, My boyfriend's gone, We can just pretend. Lips that need no introduction Now who's the greater sin, Your drab eyes seem to invite (tell me darling) Where do we begin. Was this over before Before it ever began Your kiss Your calls Your crutch Like the devils got your hand This was over before Before it ever began Your lips Your lies Your lust Like the devils in your hands Everyone in this town Is seeing somebody else Everybody's tired of someone Our eyes wander for help Prayers that need no answer now I'm tired of who I am You were my greatest mistake I fell in love with your sin Your littlest sin Was this over before Before it ever began Your kiss Your calls Your crutch Like the devils got your hand This was over before Before it ever began Your lips Your lies Your lust Like the devils in your hands Failure is your disease You want my outline drawn You are my greatest failure Discourse your saving song Was this over before Before it ever began Your kiss Your calls Your crutch Like the devils got your hand This was over before Before it ever began Your lips Your lies Your lust Like the devils in your hands Was this over before Before it ever began Your kiss Your calls Your crutch Like the devils got your hand This was over before Before it ever began Your lips Your lies Your lust Like the devils in your hands Lyrics by: AZLyrics
No sacrifice, no victory. So, I've got back all my Common Test result. GP: D. No comments. Quite an expected grade if I must say. Physics: U. My biggest shock. Totally didn't expect to fail, not this hard. Chemistry: C. My 2nd biggest shock. But I guess my hard work really pays off. Mathematics: D. Another grateful moment. I've still gotta push harder to get higher! Economics: E. Expected a little bit better but I guess I've gotta accept this. And, Tomorrow is the day. My last event. My first and last performance on stage. I hope, Tomorrow everything pays off. Tomorrow everything runs smoothly. Tomorrow my sweat and time won't be wasted. Tomorrow the humiliation was worth it. Tomorrow, I'll end my duty, officially, with glory. Then, it's all back to studying. Sunday 10 July 2011 So I'm another year older today, And I've passed through another period of my life. Didn't really start as good. Was in the middle of a GP essay when the clock struck 00:00 hahaha But as the day progressed, It actually got better and better. The morning kicked off with a church session. Nothing better than to start my morning in His place. Then had lunch at Tampopo ramen in Ngee Ann City with my brother. Fantastic. I've always thought that their ramen is very good. Haha. And bought some book regarding some medical school stuff in US. Hopefully I could use a pointer or two from there. Then went home to rest a while, and continued replying Facebook wall posts. Before I headed out again to meet some of my guys schoolmates for a dinner. Got a "free" dinner at Fish&Co. Very filling but the feeling was certainly more than pleasant. What with a good meal and a good company of friends. Haha. And then proceeded to play pool for a while. I'm never really a fan of birthday celebration. Sure, I don't mind a small gathering, or wishes from people around. But it just feels weird to see people singing birthday songs for me (been there done that). Though it's also sweet, in a way. Haha. Anyway, Sometimes, It just takes once in a long while to realise that there are people in this world who value you more than just some random person in their lives. And I've gotta admit. I'm super thankful for that. Then here I am. Sitting in front of my laptop, Typing this post, Reflecting my day, Being grateful for what He's done for me, Being happy to have such magnificent people around me, Counting down to the end of my own small anniversary. Hopefully the next day onwards will be just as better. 'Cause I've gotta be more fuelled with motivation! Thursday 7 July 2011
Sick of it. I've about had enough. Enough of having my considerations fall into deaf ears. Enough of having my perspectives being thrown away like trash. Enough of having to give it my all, only to be ridiculed. Enough of having to care. Enough of having to fight my responsibilities. If that's what you guys want, I shall gladly sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. Just don't blame me for anything that goes wrong. If everything's all right, then good for you. But if you all freaking put the blame on me if things mess up, If you all accuse me of not doing anything. I'll freaking go explode. Seriously. All I want is just to give this event my best. This last event of mine. I just wanna leave with an amazing token of coins. But apparently I've to leave and receive with what they decide to give me. Tuesday 5 July 2011
The Transition So before I go to sleep today, Before I embark on a new change towards my attitude in terms of studying, I'm reminded of a certain quote that I've stumbled upon some time ago. "In the end, everybody just become someone they swore they'd never be." I don't know if this really applies to anyone. But it did, to me. Eventually, I guess I've to really become someone I promised I wouldn't be. A mugger. AKA someone who spends almost all his/her time studying. Sure, I'd try balancing out my own life. But I don't think that with my current state, I can afford to waste time. Somehow, I can't wait for my CTs results to come out. I wanna know where I stand now. And I wanna know what it takes for me to reach what I dream. How much work I have to churn out in order to reach that kind of state. So I hope, Let this transition be a smooth one. It won't be swift. I'm certain of it. But I know for sure, that I'll do it in time. And God will provide. Saturday 2 July 2011
Broken body. No, this ain't some random emo post. Haha. Another day of awesome outing. I know this won't last but I guess it would be good to refresh myself from the studies. So today was an outing with my Project Work group; NJ095 Marc suggested an outing after the results were released 'cause he was the only one in the group who got an A and felt bad about it. He wanted to treat us all to a movie or something but in the end of course we didn't want it. That was a bit too much I guess. Haha. So we just went out, now, after the results were released months ago. Headed to Kallang Leisure Park to ice-skate. I thought I still retained my experience in ice skating. Turned out that I was as good as a newbie. Haha I had to re-learn everything on my own again, with some tips from Li Shi and Jia Yi. But the 2 hour was totally worth my S$18.50, in my opinion. *looking at another hole burnt in my wallet T_T* Then we all wanted to watch Transformers 3, to no avail. The cinemas were full everywhere. So we just found a place to eat something and talk. I suggested Bakerzin and I think I made the right decision. Haha. Had my ever-favourite Cookies and Cream Cheesecake. *heavenly* Then we all went separate ways to head home. Another memory imprinted, I believe :) I only stayed home for a little while, and rushed off again to meet my usual secondary school cliques for a basketball session. Except for one guy, who totally pissed me off by saying that playing basketball with us was "a waste of time". If you had something else to do, please say. We would understand, no matter what. Even if you wanna prioritise studying over hanging out with us. But you don't have to call your close friends a waste of your time. If you ever treated us as your "brothers" in the first place. Heh. Bloody hell. Anyway, You know I had this theory. My mind always maintained a view that I could still play as well as when I was in my prime (Sec 3-4 times). Earlier this year, my stamina apparently couldn't keep up with my mindset. And I vomited a few times and even fainted once during CCA trainings. Haha. Now that I quit basketball CCA already, I think my mind didn't change its view at all. Today, I believe I overused and over-exerted my legs. In my right leg, my quadriceps muscles were aching after one game. In my left leg, my Jumper's Knee resurfaced again. I thought it was gone after a few treatments at a TCM practitioner 2 years ago. It actually just went dormant. ==' Now I have to wear my knee guard and limp for a while. Apparently, my body can't do what my mind thinks it still can do. That's my hypothesis. Haha. And my body seems to be disintegrating. Slowly but surely. Oh man. Basketball is now officially not my cup of tea anymore. Haha! But NO! I wont change my blogskin. Basketball will still be a stuff that I enjoy. A lot. Every time I manage to lay a ball in, Every shot that I slush into the net, Will remind me of the good old basketball days in FTPSS. There was the time when I didn't care about anything. When all I ever aimed for was to be a proper basketball player. When I spent my whole time improving in it. When I was still so free! *definitely* Haha. By the way, While hanging out with these group of people, I realised we have grown up in our own, different ways. And I know that we too, will have to go on with our own lives, Through separate and different ways. But one thing I'm still sure, for now. The bond that we shared still has not changed. (Except for one guy, I guess. ==') Oh that's true. The bond that we have will change. And I'm not talking for this case only. For every other bond that I shared with people. The bond will change as long as one party decides to break it apart. Oh yes, that is so so so true. Now I wonder what my future holds. Excited, yet anxious at the same time. Always with the irony. Friday 1 July 2011
Rejuvenate. Revive. Regain. Reborn. So let me start with the updates of what's been happening in my life (if there is anyone interested to know, that is.), which contradicts the initial purpose of what this blog is mainly intended to be ie. a place for me to reflect. After CTs, school has been quite relaxing. Lectures the whole day. And always ended with LAN session with classmates after school. Sinful. Except today. Haha. Woke up super super late 'cause I forgot to set my alarm the night before I went to slumber land. And this is the second time I woke up at 11am during normal school day. =.=' Wanted to rush to school but it would end 30 minutes later. Yes, today's lectures ended at 11:30am. Since it's pointless to come to school, there came the second stuff to deal with; The thing to redeem my tardiness; MC or parental letter. Parental letter is a bit harder to get in my case, and less believable, since I had no other excuse as to why I couldn't wake up on time. Apparently "forgetting to set my alarm" didn't sound good enough to my ears == So I was betting to get myself an MC. Went to a clinic outside my place. After a brief session of smoking through the clinical session with the *cough* lie of me having a migraine in the morning, I got myself an MC. At the expense of S$29.90 =.=' Totally burnt a hole in my wallet. Next, I proceeded to meet my usual NJ cliques/classmates for LAN session *again?!* Purchased a packet of 5-hour, at S$10. Super hardcore, haha. 5 hours of DoTA and L4D2. I can say that I've improved a little in DoTA. Though I'm most probably nowhere near a level of a regular player. Wanted to stay with them for dinner, but I've got dinner with my fellow PA ExCo. Felt quite bad to abandon them, since we originally wanted to hang out all night long. In the end, Sean and Marc can't make it. And we cancelled the plan. Nevertheless, it was always a good session of "laughing fits" with these group of ExCo. And it was a dinner at JustAcia at Dhoby Xchange, a place of memories for us. I personally like reminiscing about the 'good old times'. It just makes me grateful about the good things that have happened to me. And somehow it makes the bad stuff look minuscule in comparison. Anyway, After that I stayed a bit longer with Jie Xiang, without the knowledge of the rest. Haha. To talk a little while more, and to do......something else. [Before some people think sick or something, no it was nothing sick. Just that, I'm not prepared to reveal it yet in case it would put me in a bad situation. Haha.] Probably it's the first time that I've done that properly. It was not a pleasant experience. Okay, pleasant and 'high' for a while. But after that, no. NOT at all.... I don't think I'm gonna be doing it again for a while. For a long while! Heh. But what he told me has got me thinking. We have only a handful of time left to prepare academically. It's less than 10 weeks before Prelim exam. And before we realise it'd be like "Oh shit, another week is gone!" Or "Oh crap, next week is Prelim!" And after all, it's like about 16 weeks to A Level. If we don't start soon, it would be too late. Studying during week days can only earn you so much. Listening in class can only help so much. 'Cause it's like, you'll sleep for about 20% of the time spent in school (haha!) And will daydream for another 10%. And that leaves you with 70% efficiency to be fully used in school. And with the current level of studying and academic performance I'm in (oh hell no, CTs results =='), it'd take more than 10 weeks to prepare. How could O Level feel so far away when I was still in July 2009? How could the burden be so much heavier now? How could the impending danger seem so much nearer when it actually starts later than my O Level did? No matter what, I'll have to use these remaining 2-3 days to rejuvenate my own mind. To revive my studying mode again, this time for a longer time. To regain my motivation to face the Goliath of my life. It's the final lap now. And of course, to pray to be reborn from the ashes of failure that has been dragging me down all along, all the time. Ora et labora! "I Can Do All Things Through Christ Who Strengthens Me" - Philippians 4:13" |