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OhLaila |
Tuesday 26 November 2013
Breathing space. Yeah. That's what I need right now.
But it's not possible.
Why? 'Cause I need a breathing space away from myself. And unless there's a way to separate parts of myself, there's no way it's possible.
I'm really disappointed to admit that I'm really stressed.
Not just stressed because of school work. But mostly because I'm always failing to fulfill my own expectations.
Let's go through the checklist so far:
Enjoying myself in this course: FAILED.
I mean, how long can I keep this lie going on? I've been trying but I just wish things are not moving so quickly. Which brings me to my next checklist.
Keeping up with school work: FAILED.
Balancing personal time and school: FAILED.
Bitch-fucking-please. I'm at the point where my personal time is close to non-existent and whenever I try to balance it out, the quality of my school work just aggravates.
Last but not least, what I believe is the major bug in my life:
Not performing up to my own expectations.
I don't know if I'm affected too much by peer pressures, or if I'm being too hard on myself, but I really believe as time goes by, year after year, I'm just getting worse and worse.
Nope, this definitely is not the "life is getting harder as you grow up" kind of bullshit I'm experiencing. Either I'm always not trying hard enough, or I'm just performing below my own expectations. Every time.
I'm not even questioning my life and its choices anymore. I'm doubting myself.
If I'm barely into my 20s, and if life is probably gonna get harder, and if I'm getting worse day by day,
Then I sure am screwed.
Friday 15 November 2013
Confession I wonder, is there a case of name-identity crisis or something like that? Logically, I myself can't find anything wrong with it. But somehow, I just don't feel like it belonged to me. It feels even worse when its form changed time and again. Not in Kindergarten days, not in Penabur7 days, not in here. Not in all the 3 different forms in 3 different place and time above. Not sure if it's just the after-effects of the problem, But I feel more distant towards those who associate me with it. I don't know if I move away from those people because of this, or just mere coincidences that I don't feel so close to them. But I guess there's nothing I can do. Because after all, I can only control so much of myself, not so much of others. So whatever people wanna associate me with, I guess it should not be in my interest. That aside, I guess the week ended well, but the day ended terribly. Just complaining. And being grateful at the same time. Peace out. P. S. I swear I have the weirdest causes for annoyances and mood-killers. Tuesday 12 November 2013
Seriously. Seriously. What the fuck. How am I supposed to work on my design when everything is going wrong like this. Experimenting with new ways and patterns in Grasshopper -> Rhino lags and crashes. Submitting stuff with current design -> Failure for sure. Seriously. How the fuck. Sunday 10 November 2013
Psycho-Hypnosis So many things are hard to define in black and white.
How do you know whether you like doing what you do or whether you're just doing it for the sake of doing?
How do you know whether what you think, or what you feel is real or fake?
How do you know whether you're persevering, or just struggling?
How do you know whether you're being an optimist, or ignoring the fact that you're struggling but decide to push through anyway?
How do you know whether you're being realistic or pessimistic?
Which then leads me to thinking: is it possible to conduct a psycho-hypnosis? i.e. influencing your own thoughts and feelings by repeated motions of self-talk, self-manipulation or other similar activities?
Earlier last week, when I was really struggling with C# programming for Grasshopper for an assignment in which I was supposed to come up with a wall interface design using basically codes and parameters, all of which I continually struggle to even understand, let alone use it and apply it to my designs.
And I remember someone who seemingly is also struggling (but not in a "programm"-atic way. OKAY bad joke there) mentioned that well, maybe sometimes you have to fake it till you get it.
Which in turns, probably may make you turn insane yourself. I'm not surprised. It's psycho-hypnosis after all.
I just keep wondering on how it actually works.
If you're telling your brain what to think or what to feel, you're trying to control the activity of the unconscious part of the brain.
Which also means the conscious part of the brain is trying to control its counterpart entity.
Which means that somewhere in the unconscious part of the brain, it realises that it is out of control. Or at least, it is not working the way it WANTS it to be.
So shouldn't there be an internal conflict happening?
And does that make you insane?
Does that make ME insane?
Or at least, it is insane of me for thinking about all this while I'm supposed to be working on my design codes.
Maybe I should do a psycho-hypnosis on myself.
'till next time.
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