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OhLaila
 Friday 16 March 2012
Wake-up call.

"You have to really, really want it, because you're gonna have to sacrifice a lot of things."


Apparently, I've also been told that I am not driven enough to do what I want.
Yes, I admit I gave up easily.
I kept thinking I am now not good enough to do what I want.


Not anymore.


A friend of my Dad just delivered a wake-up blow into my head.
That if I really want it, and if I am prepared to do what I need to do,
Nothing should stop me from getting there.
Yes, I may not be able to enter the schools that are recognised globally.
But that doesn't mean there is only one type of university.


I don't care anymore if I need to go until the corner of the world to get there.
I just finally realise that I do want it so badly.



But now,
IELTS tomorrow.
Here I come.


Sunday 11 March 2012
Crossroads

And so, I have been in Singapore for almost 2 weeks now since March kicked in..

I honestly wasn't very satisfied with what I got for my A Level results, but truth to be told, I kinda feel I deserved it. And I'm still thankful for that.


I know it's not very right to dwell on what makes you feel down again and again, but no matter what I do, everything just ends up to be a distraction from the regret that is constantly trying to erupt from within, wanting to poison my good spirits. It's just like the drugs for AIDS currently; it can manage the symptoms, but not cure the disease by itself.


Actually, Regret is just the after-effect from what seems to start in the first place - Disappointment,
Yes, I am utterly disappointed at myself.
I know what I have right now, is not what I am truly capable of achieving.
Yes, I did give it my all during my second year, but in my first JC year, not so much.
I let my pride, and my blind fool's ignorance got in my way,
I allowed laziness to take over my life,
And I screwed my first year.

But that's not the only thing that I have damaged.
I also ended up creating destruction in the path towards my dream.
No, I am not saying that my dream is completely gone now.
It just got harder to get there.
It was difficult enough in the first place.
Now it seems insurmountable.


People make mistakes, pay the price, and learn from them.
I've made this mistake of mine,
I've made my sacrificial payment,
And I've absolutely got the lesson planted deep in my mind.



But now,
My optimism, vanishing
Uncertainties, beckoning.
The lamp lighting my way, fading.


I'm going back home in two-days time.
Hopefully I'll have the pleasure of time (which I practically abused during my first JC year) considering my next move.
Because currently all I'm doing is treading on the road, avoiding the mess that I've created myself, tip-toeing amongst all the obstacles, while still trying my best to hold my head up, put up a smile, and look at the future with what I can salvage from the remnants of my optimism and confidence in mind.


Right ahead, crossroads are upon me.
Sooner or later, I'd have to make my choice and choose to follow one of the roads,
With no knowledge of where I will end up, how the road is gonna be, and if the road I am taking leads to my dream after all.



All I can do now is just believe in the higher power.
While at the same time, trusting on my intuition, which most of the time is right.



I know that no matter which road I am stepping onto next, it may not bring me to where I want to be.
But I have to believe that eventually, I will arrive at the destination that I deserve to be placed in.

And I choose to believe that it has to be, and will definitely be the case.