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OhLaila
 Tuesday, 27 September 2011
Living a life of irony.

Some people are thankful, saying "My life's good!"
Some say "My life is bullshit."
Some complain "My life is a joke."



I say, my life is an irony.


Yep, Irony is a paramount element in my life, whether I want it or not.


I say I love my parents, my family, my God.
But all I keep doing is to disappoint them.

I declare that I hate living a results-based life filled with elitism,
But yet here I am, studying in a country which advocates such system.

I wish not to get fat,
But every little cells of me just wish to laze around all day long.

I dream of scoring well for my exams,
But many times I can never bring myself to focus, and study seriously.

I always think that life is about choices,
Yet many times, my choices are actually very restricted.

I wanna be free,
But at the same time I enjoy my somehow-controlled life.


I really, really want to understand you,
Yet no matter what I do, no matter how, as time goes by,
I actually feel that I get further away from "understanding you".
And this seriously makes me feel damn useless.
Either because I can't seem to portray the image of someone worthy of confiding in,
Or because I just am not worthy,
Or because Destiny just decides to shove it in my face again.



Well, this is merely the icing of the cake, I guess.
I'll wait and see if there are more of them coming.


Meanwhile, let the academic bloodbath continue...



Sunday, 25 September 2011

This may seem contradictory,

But I can actually sense my brain becoming more obsolete day by day.
It's like, how can I notice my brain's deterioration if it's not functioning as well as it was?



I notice less,
I care less,
I think less.


All I seem to care about now is forcing my own freedom to claim the rights over my other priorities now.
In other words,
I always do what I want to do,
Not what I have to do.
I don't even put things on my schedule any more,
Neither I keep track of my expenses any longer.




A disastrous week is impending, just ahead.
My prelim results are definitely gonna give me a mental bloodbath.


Hopefully I'm prepared by now,

To accept my own failures, shortcomings, inabilities,
To let go of all the distractions, even if it means putting down my own freedom,
And to harness the control back from my own life.



As what everyone has been telling me,

It's the last lap.


Thursday, 15 September 2011
Hope.

'And the Hope means to never lose the Light, even when engulfed by darkness." - Qinglongmon (Digimon World 2)






Yeah, right.


Easier to say than done.
Especially when your efforts are always for naught.
Especially when everytime you try to rise up against the odds, life slams you back flat-faced on the ground.
Especially when the humiliation is becoming understandable, but unbearable.




Heck.
Life goes on.



If I can surf through all of it before, I can do it again.
But it's still important not to lose Hope.


Saturday, 10 September 2011

It feels a little distinct, blogging from a place and a laptop other than what I can call my own.


But well, it's not wrong to be different once in a while, is it? xD



Although of course, I'll probably choose familiarity more than this, mostly.




Oh, to that person who previously tried to post something weird on my blog, YOU CAN FORGET IT :D.


Sunday, 4 September 2011

For a while I thought I've learnt how to live by my head, rather than my heart.
Or at least, learnt how to use them together.


No.


After all this time, I can't use my head in most situations.
Which simply makes me want to hate myself even more.



Still, backing down is not an option.
My dreams are still waiting in front of me.


Come on, mind, you need to wake up.
Stop hibernating already.
Please.