I believe that I secretly have my own beasts of all sorts within me.


Like the hunger beast, which prompts me to eat again and again, more and more.
Goes most lethal after 12am every day. Goes inactive in the morning.


Or the Need For Speed beast, which has a craving for almost every full-fledged (meaning: PC. Not in handheld devices) Need For Speed games that I have.
Strongest whenever a new Need For Speed series come out.
Weakest when the game goes nearer to completion.


Or maybe my balling beast, one of my best friends, which, when it was still active, decided to come out to play as and when he liked it.
Meaning that my balling skills were not very consistent during games. On one particular day I could be playing very well scoring and providing assists. But on other days I sucked balls (pun intended. Not literally, for goodness sake).
Although he's retired, nowadays I have been feeling urges from him to pick this thing that was practically half of my life again and enjoy myself.


Or the worst, the one that I always have ally-or-enemy moments with,
My emotional beast.
I thought it was dead. As in, regarding my most recent problem, which empowered him.
And I thought my unreciprocated feeling was gone. Nothing else could further equip him with strength, and I beat it.


No.


No no no.


Without even realising it, he grabbed on to his only chance, following external events that unfolded, feeding and re-gaining every ounce of his strength to resurrect himself.
Meaning that once again I'm overwhelmed by feelings that I don't even want to consider (or at least I think I shouldn't have felt those).
I felt really happy when those blossomed, but I knew that these feelings are as euphoric, yet as deadly as morphine in high dosage.
So even though I'm feeling really strengthened emotionally, I felt poison seeping away my mental strength and logic away gradually.
And no, I shouldn't let this emotion thrive any longer.

Why?
Because even though having the feeling itself is not wrong,
Taking actions that originate from the feeling may be.
And the more I lose my logic, the higher chance that I would start to go berserk mentally and my emotions will start to conquer.
Which I don't want to see it happen.


I may be feeling something new that harboured from a totally different place. But I've encountered, fought, and won a similar war before.
Though I wouldn't say it was an unbloody win.
I was on the losing side once. And I knew now how to prevent that from happening again.
Which I should use as my antidote against this newly-bred, mutated poison that reminisced from the past.



And so,
The battle continues.
But I'm feeling so weak now.
This requires so much focus from me that the only distraction that can be on par with it is a brain-intensive games that require a really large amount of hand-eye coordination.






I'm falling so deep.
But I can't give up now, and repeat the same mistake.

03:48
Up, up, and away!