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OhLaila |
Saturday, 25 January 2014
Even after all these years, I still dread going away from home. Even after all these years, I still feel so much homesick whenever I leave. Even after all these years, No matter how much I enjoy living on my own, There's nothing that feels closer to home than the family. Even after all these years, No matter where I go, Home is still the place where I'd rather be. And as usual, I'm down with homesick. I'm not feeling ready for school. Not when I know now how much of a torture it's gonna be. Not after I realised that I'm such a family-oriented and homely person. But I have to survive. I have to have courage. I have to hope for the best. Or I won't be able to make any of them proud, and repay them as I should have. That aside, It occurred to me that year after year, holiday after holiday, and Christmas after Christmas, Everyone is getting older. It makes me so afraid of letting all of them go, which I have to ultimately and eventually. I don't ever want to be apart. But probably this, now, is a preparation for much later, hopefully. 'Till next time. Monday, 20 January 2014
A poetic gem from the past. Just something I found while browsing through old archives. Not too sure why did I even create this, or how. But wow, I think it's not too bad, though I don't really recall how I could create such a piece.
Here I am, putting up a brave front
To escape, to run Away from the feeling I’m trying so hard to shun Oh, oh, when will this all be done? So that I can stand again, my feet back on the ground This guilt is haunting me Negativity chaining me so hard I can’t break free Oh, when will this all be over? Why is there so much pain, even though I know it’s for the better? They say: only Time will heal But I don’t even know if that’s for real Hopefully Time will ‘Cause now, I’m not even sure what to feel Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Phased out. Haven't been in touch with basketball for a while. Haven't been playing a team-game for so long. Definitely haven't played this enthusiastic for such a long time. On such a random note, my cousin who's also having a holiday here asked my bro and I out for a balling session at the court just nearby my house. After realizing myself that I am probably no longer able to play like how I used to (long ago), I didn't really expect much of myself, much less rate my own performance in the team on my own. Exactly the opposite happened. Unconsciously or not, I kept examining and rating my own performance, both individually and for the team. When I was recuperating at home just after I got back, All I thought was how my Jumper's Knee condition hasn't been back since my last therapy. And for that, I was so glad. Random moments when I wore the knee guard during the games played back in my head too. Although I still reflected about how weak my legs are now. They got jelly-like after only 2 hours. Probably the lack of proper warm-ups. That must be it. SEE! WHY DO I KEEP RATING MYSELF?! Ah, might as well I let this out. So, continuing from there, I thought about how I played again, when I was in the shower. Comparing myself to my own peak performance, I was much less confident in bringing the ball on my own. As much as possible, I always tried to shoot the ball from outside of the paint area. Not sure if it was because I knew I couldn't get past a taller, more skillful opponent, Or simply because my body doesn't move the way I wanted it to move. My dribbling and passing were in no way as accurate. Although I have to say that my movement when not holding a ball was pretty much the same. Which was good, I guess. I'm too tired to even type anything more now. I guess I've really phased out of the game. It's no longer something I can take seriously. Haha. Tuesday, 7 January 2014
Escaped; Sunbathed; Refreshed And now, I reflect.
Photo credits: Lia Levina
Kicked off the new year with a mini reunion with some of my elementary school friends (YES again! :D). As usual, had a lot of fun catching up and meeting up those that I haven't met since graduation. There were a lot of people who weren't there, still. And to know that I actually don't remember all of them, especially those that did not graduate all the way until the end of 6th Grade. It would have been a lot better if I didn't have to leave much earlier, for a few reasons. Like I couldn't drive on my own far away from home yet. Not without an official license. Like my mum and brother were with me too. And it wouldn't be nice to keep them waiting. Like my family would be leaving for a trip to Lombok island the next morning. Which is rich in my own reflection. Although not all of them could be expressed due to my own limited capability. More than just an eye-opening experience, the trip also gave me a lot of hindsight about my own country and its government, both in the past and the present. Snorkeling also confirmed my impressions towards the majestic quality of vast seas and oceans: It is able to inject both fear and awe right into my nervous system. Not to mention the cute schools of colorful fish swaying in the water bodies. Achievement Unlocked: Snorkelling In the heart of Lombok, however, lies a lush tropical rainforests which is virtually untouched by urban living environments except for a path created to navigate along the hilly terrain.
On the forest trail.
After walking along the path for a while, we arrived at a waterfall. At the first-look, I thought "how bad can that be? I don't see why people are screaming just by standing under it."
How bad can it be..... right?
After trying it out on my own, however, I came to a conclusion myself. There is a reason why people meditate under the waterfall. It takes a ridiculously high effort just to stand still around the edges of the waterfall, not to mention sitting still right under it. Not with the icy cold water. Not with the vision-blurring mist. Not with the G-force of the falling water which felt like continuous, infinite slaps on your shoulder and back. (The sunburns I got the day before during snorkeling did not help at all) If there is one thing I took away home from there, though, is the fact that the biggest storm is no distraction if only we could just literally calm down and face it. Only then we might actually realise that hey, the storm might not be that vicious after all. Or that we are not as weak as we thought we are.
Don't be fooled by our looks. It's actually quite enjoyable.
Despite what I experienced, I was able to sit still (if only for a few minutes. Heh.) under the waterfall. The water is quite enjoyable and rejuvenating. I didn't even hesitate sipping some of the fresh spring waters right from the forests. And man, did it feel heavenly. With the rainforests, there exists animals. I spotted a lot of wild cattle, wild dogs, chickens, as well as monkeys. A gang of them waited at certain spots along the edges of the forests, knowing that some people would come with bananas and peanuts to give to them. And no matter how new you seem to be to them, if you just reach out your palms with food in your hand, they would take it, sheepishly sometimes. They would even catch it if you toss it to them, or look for anything that remains inside the packet. Clever bastards.
Look at these mischievous bastards.
But polite nonetheless. Never did once they mischievously grab anything other than what we gave. And of course, the food. A dish called plecing kangkung consisting of boiled kangkung vegetable and beansprouts topped off with chili-tomato paste was my absolute favourite. It's spicy and yet refreshing at the same time. AND YET HOW COULD I FORGET TO TAKE A PHOTO OF IT! Oh and I got over my small fear of insects in general. I played with a bee!
Look at these cute creature!
This was when we visited a food souvenirs store. They sell pure forest pollen honey (which we bought).
Then I actually spotted the vendor feeding bees with honey through the tips of his fingers.
Remembering what I read before about bees being friendly (mostly harmless) creatures unlike their evil counterparts wasps, I wished to try it on my own.
Which I really, really enjoyed.
Can't wait I actually want to play with those lovable creatures again.
Anyway, After experiencing this place on my own, I was really, really surprised on why I have never heard of this place before at all as a domestic tourist spots for the Indonesians. It's not that it's expensive. I would say it's comparable to a holiday in Singapore, if not cheaper. In fact, this place seems to be booming with tourists anywhere from around the world, from Australians to Koreans and to Europeans (I managed to speak to a family from Belgium who was really shocked that there are Indonesians who have not been to Lombok before this), except the Indonesians themselves. I hardly spot any other domestic tourists, except for the locals themselves. Which got me thinking about what is the problem? Is it the lack of awareness? Probably. I hardly see the island being promoted in tour packages. But then again, I read about domestic in-flight travel journals highlighting domestic tourist spots. The government, finally too, seems to be pumping capitals to improve the facilities like the airports and roads (which is really smooth, unlike some of those in the Capital, full of holes and uneven). Is it the impression that domestic tourists have of the locals? Could be! After all, this country is quite well-known for its people who can be quite rowdy at times, especially during demonstrations or riots. I totally don't believe that though. At least not in the people of Lombok. They are very, very welcoming and receptive towards tourists. Very helpful and polite too. This is probably one of the rare place I found in the country where people of different races and religions live together in peace. They are not even bothered by any tensions found outside of Lombok. From what I heard too, during Suharto's reign, this place was already invested in a lot of agricultural produces as well as its natural tourist destinations. Sigh, somehow this makes me wonder what it was actually like during his reign. I was still very young when the 1998 incident happened and he fell. It's like what an utopian Indonesia would seem like. Beautiful beaches, Green rainforests, Vast seas, Massive farmlands, Misty mountain peaks, Fresh foods, Harmonious people, Amazing place. P.S. Pictures from the trip would be added next time when my Internet is not as bitchy. Haha. EDIT: Pictures are finally added! Wednesday, 1 January 2014
It's that time of the year again. And here we are, at the end of another year.
So you know, there is this urge to create this mandatory reflection and vision once again, for the year that's gonna be over and the year ahead.
To sum it up, 2013 has been really exciting for me.
It may not be all roses, but nonetheless it has been such a roller-coasting journey of 365 days.
I think it might be good to start listing out all the things I could recall, in the order of timely happenings.
1). For the first time, I failed a subject in my university education and had to attend extra catch-up lessons called "bootcamp" to retake the exams and pass the subject, which I did. Thankfully. So for that, I had to return to Singapore on the first day of the year itself which I hated so much because I felt that I murdered my own holiday. I had not returned home since then until the end of the year.
2). Experiencing a "summer break" just like a US-based college would have. I spent it doing an unpaid, so-called internship (as I mentioned before in older posts. Haha) in OXD, an en experience design team. Having no training in Architecture before hand, I could not help much, but nonetheless I'm glad and thankful that I could learn from the people there and catch a glimpse of a work in design industry.
3). friends. If there is one thing I realised about them, is that it takes a lot, a lot of effort to keep in touch with everyone you know from way before until now and unless you have all the time in the world, it might be inevitable for you to lose a few friends. Although, there (hopefully) are those that formed a bond with you so strong before, that you know you'll stay the same no matter how long you have not been talking or how long you have not met them. It's sad to say that I think I have lost friends that were close to me in the past, just because I have lost touch with them and I know it would be really difficult, if not impossible, to restore the same bonds because sometimes Time just severs ties beyond repair.
4). Finally experiencing architecture school for real. This is probably the biggest storm I have ever encountered in my whole life so far mentally, emotionally, and physically. It might not be the most brain-intensive course full of memorizing formulas or facts, but it definitely requires you to rack your brain once or twice to come up with ideas and submissions with the impending doom of deadlines. Oh and not forgetting the sleepless nights and countless hours of sitting in front of the computer getting your shit together, plus the time when I question my life on whether this is the path that I want in my life and whether this is all worth it.
Especially when time after time I heard stories about abusive doctors and doctors with so much good deeds. So much that my conviction starts burning up in me again. Then again, I know that my results were not always good enough and that's probably why I shouldn't be one. Better not be a doctor than be a useless one.
Bottom line of the first semester of archi school: I still enjoy what I do. I just don't like the working environment and how I am not keeping up in terms of my improvement compared to everyone else.
5). The key to everything you do in life, and not surprisingly the most difficult one to attain, is to achieve a balance in everything. All the issues I've been facing throughout the year or in fact my whole life is that I still cannot find a balance in everything I want to do.
There's always an opportunity cost for everything. That, I have to realise.
It's not possible to literally do everything you want within such limited quantity of time. That. I always forget.
Not only that, this also applies to interacting with people.
I don't know if I personally have met people with the same dilemma, having different friends belonging to different (and probably non-relating) cliques.
Ideally, of course I want to merge different cliques that I know together, but it's not always possible.
There's a reason why they belong to different cliques.
Striking a balance between them is no mean feat.
If I hang out with one of them too much, I might lose my friendship with the other one.
That's why I don't wanna have to choose! I love being friends with both, for different reasons!
Obviously because I can relate with both. Maybe this is because I don't really belong anywhere.
I'm like a little bit of every clique? Right..
Anyway in short, what I have to at least try to do next, is to get my priorities right. Which should come first and last.
That's that! There's a lot more of course. But these are the highlights I guess.
So moving on, with a reflection, I also need a vision for the coming 2014.
Usually I kept this resolution part short in the recent years.
SURVIVE IT.
That's it.
But no.
As much as I hate to admit it, I'm no longer a kid I used to be.
I have to grow up and face the challenges of being a young adult.
This happened so naturally too, that suddenly everything just dawned on me.
One day, when I was doing my work a few weeks ago in the studio,
I began to realise how I am not keeping up with the rest.
What with my horrendous quality of work I'm producing.
Who am I kidding. I really thought I could just progress slowly, at my own pace, while keeping up with..well.. the rest of "life" if I must say.
Then it struck on me:
The bonds that I have to serve after I graduate.
How close I am to graduation.
How I have to apply for internships again really soon if I decide to do it again the next summer break.
How my parents are getting old.
With all these coming up so close? There's no freaking way that I could still take it slow.
It's probably a little too late, but I'll have to accelerate a little bit more (yes, PRIORITISE BETTER) next semester.
These thoughts hit me yet again when I attended a wedding reception last Sunday.
One that I attended after such a long time.
Not someone particular that I personally know though. The bride is the daughter of my mum's ex-colleague at work.
I still vividly remember my thoughts when I attended this kind of event years ago.
All I could think about was enjoying the food, admiring the good-looking adults, shaking hands with the groom and bride, and go home.
This time though, I had such different thoughts.
I bothered to dress up in order to blend well with the average of the guests there.
(And I was all right. There were still people dressing up worse than I was. Haha. Or so in my opinion.)
And when I reached there, I began to estimate the cost of everything as I admired the sumptuous banquets of food available, listened to the in-house acapella singers, and enjoyed the majestic view of the hotel ballroom.
Finally, as I saw the pair coming in and watched the video of them sealing their wedding vows in church (plus the bride breaking in tears), I really couldn't help but wonder how my wedding would be like.
How am I going to pay for all these?
How old would I be by then?
Would I be ready by then?
Would I even be able to be worthy of finding someone to spend the rest of my life with?
How would I, and how could I find such a person?
Who would spend the rest of my pathetically uncertain life with me?
"Damn. Imagine our wedding next time." My brother's statement did not help at all.
Like it or not, I have to face these problems sooner or later.
Although the uncertainty of it all can be both good or bad. Haha.
Where was I again?
Oh the resolutions part. Hahaha.
Man, I really lost track in my reflections.
So to welcome 2014, and to began my journey in these uncharted waters, I can only be thankful in my prayer, and hope faithfully that I may be able to:
*Procastinate less
*Be more optimistic
*Put my family first, as always
*Last but not least, take my life (just a little) more seriously. Heh.
That's it for 2013!!
And before I sign off,
HAPPY 2014 TO ALL!
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