Hello, bloggie.


Summer is here, and it seems that, with it, my reflective nature is more likely to surface again.
And true enough, it does.


Been enjoying my life without school work, really.

Recuperating back home,
Travelling to Japan for the first time,
Working in a place where pace is not exactly stressful,
Immersing myself into the political scene in Indonesia,
Using my voting rights for the first time as an Indonesian,
And of course,
Catching up with the good ol' faces from back in the days.


Had a great random meet-up with Liaowei and Yichao today.
And boy, it felt really liberating to go back to how I used to be with them, how I still am, and how I probably will be whenever I meet these group of bros of mine in the future.
The whole gang has not been together for 2 years already, and counting. Not when Mars and San who are currently overseas pursuing their studies in the UK and the Aussie respectively.


Anyway,
I got to meet Liaowei's girlfriend when the guys had a steamboat dinner in his house too.
It was a face from the past too. She was our junior back in FTPSS.
But oh wow. I was really impressed by her, really.
For someone who is still barely beyond 20 years old, she has such great wife quality.
She prepared the dinner items, washed the dishes, and also cut fruits for us.
Which I really, really did not foresee, much less believe if not for the first-hand experience.


And talking about partners in general with them (since both Yichao and I are currently single. Haha.),
I am finally able to let out what I have been keeping inside about this issue, even from my own consciousness.
I realised that I have been so afraid, and maybe way too cautious when it comes to relationships since my last one.

I am sure that I have moved past the immense guilt and the heartbreak that comes after my decision for the breakup.
The idea of dating and meeting new people kinda ignite some excitement and fun within me.
But when it comes to beyond that, to the serious part and the commitment of the relationship,
I always bump head-on to this invisible barrier and shell that I finally see and has been keeping me back.

I'm still so afraid to burst out of my shell.
I'm scared to fall short of the other person's, and my expectations.
I'm anxious about the idea of devoting so much of my time, which I tend to do when it comes to someone I value so much.
I'm terrified of making the same mistakes.
I still don't know if I'm ready to shatter the barrier once again, which has become so solid after all these years.

There is still a flickering light of hope that says "Try again." as always.
But indeed it's getting so much more difficult now.
I don't usually back down after a heartbreak.
This time, though, I have become so pathetic; so fearful of rejections and another vicious relationship.

Which brings me to a conclusion upon myself:
No matter how I wish for such a stable, sweet companionship like Liaowei and Mengfei has currently,
I'm neither worthy nor ready as of now.
And I don't know if I ever will be.



Having Yichao agree with me provided such a huge relief too nonetheless.
Especially when I thought that it was only just me. Well, mostly.








It's so amusing how in the end,
I have fallen to the emotional state of someone in need of rescue.
When all I have ever done in the past was always to be a shoulder to cry on,
To people who require a first-aid kit when their hearts were yanked out of place.
Now that I have plummeted into the very same abyss I was bringing people out from,
Who am I gonna cry for help to?
How am I gonna operate on myself?

Dear self,
Is it all right if I punch the wall again?
Is it fine for you if I wear the mask that I thought I'd never don again?
I just need you to hold on, to that tiny lingering light called Hope.
Maybe until the next moment, maybe until forever.
I don't know when it will end, but I still have faith that one day this agony will all be over.

00:06
Up, up, and away!