Thinking about it, it seems like I've never approached the subject of relationships the way I see people around me usually do it.

Not their definitions, not how it's done, not the timing.

When I was much younger, I thought I was just really inexperienced about things like these.

My mistakes were mostly about the wrong timing, or about the way I approached things. Or even the way I define relationships, to be honest.

Maybe, the definitions that I made from even way back were nothing wrong. Other people implied to me that I did it wrongly, but maybe the way I define them wasn't what's causing all the problems before!

My definitions of relationships may differ from time to time and person to person, but essentially it remains the same.

It was actually just the problem of the timing of my actions, or even simply the case of misunderstanding my intention.

In my case, maybe doing certain things or saying certain words seem a little too early for normal people.

I might be wrong, but it feels like the way it's usually done is for two people who share the same feelings and want to be together, after (usually) one of them starts making the move first.

But ideally for me, it's not just about having a partner you can count on, but it's also a way for me to outpour my so-called hey-I-really-like-you-and-will-do-all-these-things-for-you kind of feeling. Or vent it, in other words.

I wouldn't mind even if it turns one-sided and rips me apart inside out emotionally, as long as I can keep the constant outflux of my own feelings.

I too would usually do all these, very early on.

But I guess that's where the problem begins.

As I recalled my last couple of failures, it all began when the tap of my so-called 'outpour of feelings' run dry.

They can go two ways actually.

If the one-sidedness continues, that's when my negativity surfaces, and my inner self to start expecting reciprocation, effectively defeating the purpose of my initial purpose of wanting to selflessly shower the other party with the reflection of my own feeling.

If it becomes two-sided, and if I discover more and more incompatibility (and other things that lead to a poisonous relationship), I would grow tired of everything, and starts taking things for granted. Also effectively defeating my initial purpose. The rest just deteriorates afterwards.

Now that I believe I've matured a bit, the way that I define, approach, and time relationships still remain unchanged in the sense that they're still unusual compared to how they are conventionally done.

Without realising it, I've actually experimented with a few.. types of relationships as time went by, and someone actually commented about the way I 'do the usual things unusually'.

Which leads me about reflect on this issue in the first place. Heh.

Anyway, ultimately I think there's no one way of knowing how relationships work from one person to another.

Sure, there are generally things you should and should not do, but at the end of the day, following your gut instincts is the way to go. Personally, at least.

Even if you do it wrong at the beginning, at least it's a learning point. Things will be better with experience, albeit with an extra cost that you have to bear painfully.

No matter how embarrassing you think about it in the future. Hahaha.

Seriously, recalling some of the things I did, I just wanna slap myself for being so out of common sense.

Over time, you would learn to control what you show, even if you are still unable to control what you feel inside.

So, self, this is a reminder for you.

No matter what people will tell you, follow your gut instincts.

Never force yourself to do things just because other people think this is how it should be done.
Never rush something just because you refuse to accept the ambiguity of things.
And last but not least,
Never base your relationships to others', or to your own past for that matter.

16:59
Up, up, and away!