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Credits
OhLaila |
Wednesday, 14 October 2015
To fight back or to be consumed; that is the question. I'm feeling funny inside. I'm laughing non-stop as I'm typing this, but at the same time I'm on the brink of tears. And not the kind of tears you get from laughing so much either. I think this is the first time I'm able to watch my own furnace of emotions while not being consumed by it. If this was me 5 years ago, I would have probably been consumed by my own inner mix of emotions at the moment. And I would just enter a state of melancholy, where physically I'm unable to do anything but lying on my bed, and all my energy would drive my brain into overdrive. It gets.. interesting watching my emotions unfurl and fight one another for dominance as an audience. But it's not necessarily easier. Somehow even though I have more control over myself, at the same time I don't know if I have the power to keep the controller on my hands, or how long I can do that. I even felt that getting engulfed into my ecstasy of emotions would probably be the lesser of the two evils. Which I then caught my brain asking myself if I want to get consumed by it instead. Good to know that I am at least able to present myself with that choice now. I don't remember having a choice the last time this happened to me. I probably should, but I want to see how much more it takes to break me this time. _________________________________________________________________________________ On a more positive note (or what remains of it), This confirms my initial theory that I really haven't felt like this in a long time. If it can hurt this bad, If it can drive me crazy to this level, If it can fuel my over-thinking, over-expecting, and over-jealous brain so much, it's probably real this time. _________________________________________________________________________________ Damn it, I know this would happen. I've already said it before, this would destroy you. Damn it self, you knew the risks. Damn it. Go on, get yourself swallowed in your own negativity. It can't be helped, sooner or later this would happen anyway. But remember, this time, you knew this was coming. Now deal with your demons. |