Last Christmas (or my usual Christmas for that matter):

*I'm home

*Surrounded by my family

*Attending Christmas Eve mass, singing my heart out for every song and hymns in the usual church nearby my house

*The mini Christmas tree in my house lighted up and playing the ever-familiar Christmas tunes

*Heart filled with joy, and mind free of worries and no stress can ever ruin them




This Christmas:

*I'm on my own in my hostel room

*My parents are home on their own, my brother is away somewhere in the Philippines

*I'm gonna attend my first Christmas mass in Singapore tomorrow

*The only Christmas-y things around me now are the various Spotify playlists humming on my speakers and my phone wallpaper

*Heart keeps failing to cheer up, and mind overflowing with negativity




Of all the years I spent studying abroad in Singapore,
This is the first time I won't be back home for Christmas.

At first, I expected myself to be really disappointed.
After all, there is no better place to be in during Christmas.

Then I felt okay somehow, like I had come to accept the fact that I'd be here this time, and hold on to hope that someday I can still be home for Christmas next time.
I thought maybe I kinda grew up and let things go? Haha.
I could at least spend my time here with some friends or something.


And now in the wee hours of Christmas morning, as I'm typing this,
I'm reflecting on my Christmas Eve, and wondering how my Christmas is gonna go.
I realised that none of the things I'd expected myself to be doing this Christmas came true.
In fact, none of my plans came to fruition.

I spent more than half of my Christmas Eve sleeping,
I couldn't think of anyone who will spend their Christmas with me here,
I don't really know where to go, especially when everywhere I go to will be full of people who are out and about with their loved ones and that would only aggravate the pain.

I know my family is far away and I'm only gonna be back in time for New Year's Eve,
But there are truly no other people I'd rather be with right at this moment.
I thought I'll breeze this time, as long as I keep myself positive and happy,
I guess I can no longer lie to myself.



Maybe the root of all this disappointment is because I was expecting too much.
I should have been a little more paranoid in the beginning, and expect a Christmas in solitude instead.



To whoever's still reading this,
I hope your Christmas doesn't sound as pathetic as mine.
Can't believe 2015 is ending so soon.
It's indeed been a crazy year.


Merry Christmas.





EDIT:
I guess you can't really run away from the Christmas mood around you. 
I was almost bursting into tears singing the songs during mass earlier today, thinking what a fool I'd been for thinking that I'd be sad this Christmas.
No matter where I'm at, I refuse to feel alone this Christmas.
And so today, I choose to be joyful and optimistic. 
After all, Christmas is THE season of joy.
:)

01:21
Up, up, and away!