Haven't been updating this space for a bit, and I thought I might have just figured out why.



Initially I thought it could be the more trivial matters,
Like getting a full-time job now,
Having a pretty normal life,
Not having been in an emotional wreck for a long time.



But then I think the real reason is that I might have evolved as a person,
And I might have felt that this place has somehow turned into an archive library of my old self.
Which is why every time I visit this place again, I thought of something to talk or write about, but I always end up going through what I already wrote.



Then again,
Is it really my old self that is all in here though?
How am I so sure that I have changed, and not just burying my old (or true) self deep within?
Is this what people say about growing up?




Basically what got me thinking this way was this mobile game that I downloaded based on a suggestion in Google Play Store.
It was a virtual texting simulation, where you go through the story as a person, seemingly interacting with another character from the game.
The story revolves around themes like instant messaging, high school relationships and its drama.
While what happened in the story (albeit very emotional, hitting me right in the feels and all) did not exactly happen to me, I can still draw some parallelism from what the characters went through with my teenage years.

And I guess playing through this game somehow pulled my inner emotional self out, the side of me I thought I have gotten better in managing its influences over my real-life, practical responsibilities.

One theme that is very prevalent in the story too was about how people change, and generally fear change, wishing that sometimes we could go back in time and fix our mistakes, be it how small.

Yes I already know that we can only continue forward, making sure that we do not repeat our mistakes, and learn from them instead,
The thing that is harder to do though, is to spot the very situation that we once made mistakes about.




That aside, having my emotional self re-surface again made me realise that despite knowing how comfortable it is basking in the stability of being emotionally calm, I do miss being emotional, and brooding over things whether it be blissful or torturous.

This is rather strange, knowing how I've applauded myself in not being emotional over a lot of things anymore.

But maybe at the end of the day, is what I really want someone to evoke this whole spectrum of emotions over me after all?

If so, how do I find the same trigger with what I already have?

And if not, is it wrong then to stop searching for it altogether, and just bury this psychological addiction so deep and not allow it to ever re-surface again?

20:23
Up, up, and away!